Well, I had to rewrite my last post twice because of a bug in the system. In the end I quit trying. Only half of my post shows up here... I am in the mood to have a good phone call with someone, but my English friends have gone to bed and I already talked to my mom and no one else I know. But at least I'm in the mood... Usually I am not in the mood for a chat with anyone at night, I am just online or writing in my journal... I went to therapy today and I have to say I really have a good therapist, after years of trial and error with others. She keeps me talking with questions the whole hour, so I don't have to come up with the same complaints every week on my own. I always leave feeling something has happened. This is new and very nice... I wore lipstick today, put on some makeup, just for no reason, but this is another new phenomenon. For about four years I suffered really badly from negative symptoms, particularly poor hygiene. I showered only once a month and went sometimes a week before brushing my teeth. (This is unusual for me, I mean I used to be a cheerleader if that illustrates the difference.) Schizophrenia is a tough, weird illness. I get really tired of it. There are lots of ups and downs in it, but one is so drugged up one doesn't feel it. But the therapy I have had in the past year has been really helpful. I started showering every week, brushing my teeth every day, I started a yoga class, lost weight, started to walk for 30 minutes every day. These are big changes. I still have my episodes every week and I still sleep too many hours of the day because of the drugs (and because of the episodes). But I have definitely improved. It is really nice. I used to get panic attacks every week, but now I only get anxiety once or twice a week. So, though I hesitate to say things are getting better - there is a lot of two steps forward one step back - improvement has found it's way in. I still have to keep it up, this is an effort, but I must be getting rewards. I had a relapse last winter, but I pulled out of it by spring and have had a pretty good run since then. I kind of hate to write about it too much, I don't want it to go away.
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Well, it has been two days since my great day and the anxiety and other symptoms are back... But I am still encouraged. If I can have that one day, maybe I will have more, if I stay carefully to my regime. It was really wonderful to feel warm, inquisitive and human again after so many years of absolute chaos. I am hopeful. I have been reading a book on meditation that my therapist recommended to me, called Wherever You Go, There You Are. I realized some moments reading it, one moment is that, being on medication, I don't have natural highs and lows, natural relaxation and tension, I don't even have the feeling of sleepiness, it's just 'bed time' and soon after I'm out. But I do have time to think. I think a lot about the past, the present and the future. I think about my marriage, I think about being schizophrenic, I think about treatment options, all sorts of things. So I do have time to meditate.
I am so happy with my new prescription of Wellbutrin, to go with my Haldol! Today I felt like I used to feel before I had schizophrenia! I have been longing for a normal day for 16 years, and I finally had one! I am so happy! I had intrusive thoughts, voices and hallucinations yesterday for several hours, so I wasn't expecting to feel so good today. But it was really wonderful! I have been taking better care of myself generally - food, hygiene, presentation - since I started therapy last year. Today, I put on my grandmother's scarf, my cardigan, and put my hair up and I felt like the old me. I haven't had any positive symptoms today, or negative symptoms. I could just hug someone! It feels great! I know I will still have off days, but I finally made it back, if just for a day. Maybe this is the event I have been waiting for - the one I have written about in previous posts... The Wellbutrin is also helping me quit smoking, which I am really happy about. I started smoking in I998, just before I was diagnosed. I was ill and nervous and cigarettes seemed to calm me down. I smoked on and off the next 16 years. But 5 years ago I had a really strong urge to smoke and I have been smoking half a pack a day since then. I quit on September 1 of this year... I struggled on the Haldol for 5 years and then I started remembering that I was on Wellbutrin in Los Angeles for a year or two, before I was diagnosed. I remember it being quite pleasant, made me feel happy and in control. So I mentioned it to my psychiatrist. She agreed to try it for me, with the warning that it would counteract the Haldol, causing more positive symptoms. Well, I have had a bit of that to cope with, to be perfectly honest... but today was different. I really feel happy and hopeful. I know that I will still have my bad days, but just for a relief, what about days like today?
It was a lovely autumn day today. It really reminded me of Chapel Hill, the town where I went to college. I thought of my friends there and what we used to do on days like this. They have all gone on to have successful lives and I am here, life in tatters, on disability. I am not jealous, I just feel a bit under dressed. I think I could probably explain to them what happened, but we are not that close anymore and actually, I hate explaining. I just loved being married to my husband so much and was so happy, that now I just feel like hibernating permanently from the world. I don't want friends, I don't want a new relationship, I just want to be. I have my routine, breakfast, golden girls, nap, lunch, the archers, call mom, dinner, bed. If I'm not pressed into thinking about it, I like this routine. Pressed, I just think it's sad and I could have done so much more with my life if it weren't for schizophrenia. The truth is, it's all I can handle, this routine, the medicines have me slower and sluggish in my thinking and for some reason, probably to do with the Haldol, I need a lot of sleep. I fought this for a long time, but if I'm tired, the voices are worse and last longer. So I sleep and eat. Sometimes if I'm feeling good I take a walk. Both of my doctors want me to exercise more and lose weight. I am trying, to some modest success. Now that the weather is cooler, a walk is nice... But I have worries about the future. I don't want to mess up and lose my home, I have to look out for myself and my brother who also has schizophrenia but doesn't take his medicine, when I can only manage the bare minimum in taking care of myself... It's a lot to take on when you have schizophrenia. In my youthful, healthy days I would have seen nothing at all stressful about these responsibilities, but the disability is so small and I have a fear of unexpected expenses turning us out of our home. Living with this fear is pretty miserable. I don't have the success and sunny confidence I used to have. I have lost everything to schizophrenia, including my ability and desire to paint and to make films. I lost my marriage, my chance at motherhood, my golden years are already for years now upon me, and it's just doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I am grateful for the care I receive, but I wanted more for my life... I wanted a family of my own, people to love and care for, all the things people do in life. I just don't have this wealth. I long for life to be finished sometimes. I can't see the point of carrying on alone. But it's not over yet. I keep hoping for some kind of happy event to happen to spice up the routine. But it's just coffees alone and eating alone and sleeping alone, waking alone. I just had so much more going for me...
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June 2017
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