Okay, let's try this again... Lost my whole post last time... I was trying to write that I had a three-day episode, no eating no sleeping... I was in tears... I don't know why it's happening. It has happened once before, on the same three days of the week. I hope it doesn't happen again, I was miserable and it's hard to recover from, too. Well, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am looking forward to it, it will be pretty mellow, but fun still. Maybe my brother will join us, I don't know... This year has gone by so fast! Usually I have a rhythm with the year and I experience it fully. This year though, wow... A lot has happened this year, but the time has really run away from me. I am always, as a rule, very happy at this time of year... My birthday is always Labor Day Weekend, my wedding anniversary is four days later and with that I am in the swing of autumn - and grateful for the cooler weather. I am looking forward to sending my Christmas cards this year... I am not sending any to my ex-husband or his father and sisters. Usually I do, but I wrote his father a letter this year explaining that I have schizophrenia (for the first time) and that I felt I did the right thing with a divorce. Now I just think not to drag it out... They never acknowledge my letters and cards anyway, so it's past time for me to move on too... It feels a bit weird. I have been sending Christmas cards to them for 26 years. But I am trying to keep it a happy event. No more awkward greetings to my former in-laws! I still love them very much, but it's time I stepped aside.
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Well, I am making real progress in putting my past in perspective. One of the themes of my hallucinations is a very punishing view on my former life, in every aspect. I try and pay attention to my hallucinations and voices now that I'm on meds and they are (for now) more manageable. I think a lot about the content and I spend a lot of hours very patiently but determinedly defending myself. But I never really forgave myself for some of the issues that came up and I realized this week that just like everybody else, I was doing the best I could at the time. I still cringe at some of my behaviors. But I did gain some ground with forgiveness. I have learned that - now that I'm on meds - I can talk to my voices and hallucinations and make some headway toward peace. It has taken nearly five years, to notice a change, but I do see a change. I still have scary, mean, threatening voices and hallucinations sometimes though. And my head blows up with messages sometimes when I am on the computer. I just get a very bad feeling and slow down a lot as the voices come in. But I am at home, so I can just quit what I'm doing if waiting it out doesn't help. I am in a medium mood. not as happy as I can be, but not totally down, which is good. But it's hard this mood, it's expectant. I realize I have a medical exam next week that I am worried about, so maybe this is it. I just don't talk a lot to anybody because I never see anybody, so sometimes it is hard to know what's on my mind. My therapist is good with this. She just keeps on asking me questions and I have to come up with the answer, it's good exercise... I would like to have more people in my life to talk with and listen to though. My Haldol makes for a very dull conversational aptitude and I'm self conscious about this. I just don't have a lot to say. But in a way, this is good. I have to think of things to say instead of talking off the top of my head like I did, sometimes to my regret, when I was young. I notice when I am chatting on the schizophrenia chat page that I have developed a better listening capacity and I am a lot more empathetic than I was when I was younger. I just didn't have much experience with setbacks then. Schizophrenia is a great leveler. I notice that when I do chat on the page, my questions and answers are personal and real. I don't know, but maybe I am more likeable now for that new depth. I am older and I have been through a lot of loss and disappointment. I just understand more. I think that comes with experience, this new understanding. And it gives me a lot of peace. I used to be worried all the time when I was younger and this made me nervous and unsure. I am still a little afraid, but I have a life now that I understand. I am no longer facing a limitless future. But if asked, I still feel the world is my oyster, like I did when I was younger. I no longer want to travel, I don't have any plans to be excited about, but I have a home, enough money for food and a twenty year old car that still runs. So, life is generally good. Now if I can just make it through my colonoscopy...
I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I am always a bit happier and a bit more hopeful. Maybe it's just that it's the holiday season. I bought my Christmas cards a couple of weeks ago and I made a big decision. My late former Mother-in-law used to frown heavily on any Christmas card that did not picture the Virgin and Christ. So, for all these years I have been buying Madonna and Child cards... But this year I am sending a modern, designer's illustration card, with nice thoughts on it. I hope it will be generally welcome. I love sending Christmas cards. I like to make sure that friends and family are contacted every year. I never get any back, or rarely anyway, but it is still fun to do. I make a cup of something hot to drink, and sit down with a fresh pen and my address book. When I lived in London I used to get many Christmas cards from friends and family and I strung them above the mantel piece. If you are just starting out and don't have tree decorations, they can also be hung on the tree... Well, it has been a bumpy week. I have had episodes and lethargy, but for some reason, today I am having another good day like the one I had about three weeks ago. I am lucid, not low on energy, and ready for action, generally. It is a wonderful feeling after so many years of crazy or medicated haziness... I have lost a little weight, but it's awfully slow going. I want to lose quite a lot of weight, at least 50 pounds. But some progress is welcome... I have been beginning to let go of my ex-husband in my mind. It has been 16 years, so this is, at last, a welcome change. I would love to talk to him about how the divorce was not his fault, but by now I have finally figured that if he had real problems with it, we would have talked. So very slowly I am starting to look up and around at present-day reality. I still think it was massively unfair to have been struck down with schizophrenia such that I ended my marriage, but I think about that aspect less now and more love and good feelings come through. I thought this time would never come. Like my voices or hallucinations, the repetitive, relentless thought cycle of how bad it was kept coming to my mind almost all day long. But now I have free time and the inclination to see what else I can turn my attention to. This is really nice for me and a welcome change.
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June 2017
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