I am tired. I have been reading Krishnamurti's "Total Freedom" and have been using what I learn from it to analyse myself by reading my journals. My journals have been mostly about my ex-husband, who I miss very much. A couple of years ago I threw out about thirty of these journals. But my last journal was a departure from that 'woe is me' content to a breathless expression of gratitude for all I have to appreciate in my life. I think I was, in that journal, mentally escaping from the fact that I am not as happy now as I was when I was normal. Of course it is helpful to appreciate the good things in one's immediate situation, but my writing was desperate for change and full of unrealizable plans. So I finished that notebook with a postlogue. I wrote that I am not as happy as I was when I was normal, that schizophrenia is dark and dismal and full of despair. It is. As Krishnamurti might have predicted, there is peace in facing facts. "Total Freedom" is a good book for bringing a global view of circumstance into focus. This is helpful for me. When I don't deny the schizophrenia, but look at the world as a schizophrenic, there are avenues of commonality with people everywhere.
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I have made some discoveries and a little progress. First of all, I looked into having my criminal record expunged. I found out that you can only have one expunction in your lifetime and I have more than one arrest on my record. Each incident was schizophrenia-induced as for ten years I did not know I had schizophrenia and therefore did not have medicine or a psychiatrist to see. Each incident was also a trip to the hospital, except for one, I spent a night in jail in Wilmington. I have been very ashamed of these incidents . Although I have no convictions, I am a college graduate and a goody-two-shoes normally. Schizophrenia was a cruel taskmaster. I wanted to clear my record in case I ever have to rent an apartment, get a loan or, in the land of dreamy dreams, get a nice job. Of course, as a film director, I am unlikely to undergo a background check. But there is no call for that sort of work where I live. I would actually like a nice office job at a newspaper, but I have tried our local newspaper. There are no positions open for copy editor. I am not surprised, it's a good job and people in a town of this size are not likely to job-hop. I am actually kind of keen to pursue a job, but I am still not well enough. I worked at a newspaper in London for six years and really enjoyed it. Anyway, schizophrenia I have found ebbs and flows. And being realistic, I am not likely to find a job in this town, with a criminal record, that will pay enough to cover my medical expenses. And I am quite sure that depending on a job for my financial security is likely to bring on a lot of stress and that leads to more episodes of hearing voices and hallucinations. So I have looked all around the houses. I would enjoy volunteering at a newspaper, a sort of unpaid intern, if I could find such a position. I looked into it about five years ago and the Human Resources lady said that there was not actually any physical room for one more person. I know that to be likely true, I have seen the newsroom when I was invited there for an interview about 10 years ago. In the last two months I have had a low episode count and it is causing me to look around and stretch a little, survey my situation. I believe I would do well to have somewhere to go, with social contact and light responsibilities. I will have to start looking around some more.
It rained all day long. I had my first therapy session of the new year, which went well. But I am not starting this new year out as I meant to go on... Still eating like it's Christmas and a bit skippy on the exercise... But I feel I will get it under control eventually... I am reading Krishnamurti and I realize that, according to him, I have it all wrong. I should not discipline myself. Actually, I am kind of taking that approach - I am 'doing it when I feel like it', in those moments when I am not caught up in my environment, when the "I" is distinct from my relationships... It's all I can do anyway. So I am giving Krishnamurti a go. It's nice to have a book to read. Last weekend I went to my local Barnes and Noble and I can never find what I would like to read in there... It's just not as well and widely stocked as Barnes and Noble in Union Square in New York City is... I end up scouring Amazon for books and authors I have already read or have heard of at least... I don't like fiction, it seems. I like religion/philosophy books mostly. My B&N has an aisle for that, but it is mostly feel-good books by, sorry to say it, otherwise undistinguished authors... I guess I sound like a snob saying that, but I have tried a few of those books out and I just find them very wishy washy... But it is better than when I was investigating tarot cards and astrology. My cousin is very into astrology and I tried to learn it to have something to talk about, since she lived in Los Angeles and I was moving there from London, but the fact is I just don't have faith in it like she does... I do know that my chart is full of squares, which is bad, and that Uranus rules my fourth house, which is also really bad. So, anyway, I gave up on astrology and the occult in general, but not before my first psychosis, which was one very deep plunge into the arcane and tough to come out of. I have no business fooling around in the occult at all. I am just too 'daytime' for it. I am still wondering about going to church. I find it really hard to get what I am looking for there though. A lot of talk about service and faith, which is not so bad, but the awful stories that pepper the sermons kind of trigger me sometimes, which kind of outweighs the pleasant coffee hour afterward. Actually, the best church I have found is a tiny Catholic church downtown. I guess Catholics have decided enough is enough and demand or have earned a kinder message. This I appreciate. My poor head has had enough of a test of faith, with schizophrenia.
Today I went to Best Buy to look at Apple computers since my Toshiba is acting up after 3 years... Well, I am just not going to buy an Apple. They have dispensed with the dvd player/recorder and I have to have that. I don't have many dvds, only about four or five, but they have to be viewable on something... I loved my old Apple G3 and even though it did not have rewritable cd/dvd, I could still be using it now if I had not been hearing voices and then dumped all my software in the bin! I am fast becoming a luddite. I just like my wires and peripherals, they make me feel clued in. The leg bone connected to da hip bone... I don't have an iphone, and I only know what an app is by hearsay. I have a Government funded Safelink phone, for local and emergency calls only. I do not subscribe to netflicks, I have good old fashioned cable tv and my mom gave me a Pilates VHS for Christmas this year. I just am not ready to slim down all my equipment, I have a history here, and I'm already becoming obsolete. It is really weird for me. I was in film sixteen years ago when I had my first psychosis and I was right on the pulse of the technology. But now I have to think laterally if I want to have an up to date system and I can't afford it, I can't even schedule in Netflix for nine dollars a month. I am a little bit nervous about it, a little depressed. I just don't understand why I have to be shoehorned into Netflix when it doesn't offer all the films I would like to see! I have collected some films and those are what I like to watch. I just think the technology is moving too fast. If I was an Apple customer today I would complain about the planned obsolescence. Of course, when my husband and I bought our Apple G3 17 years ago, we were one generation behind usb ports and cables and a couple behind rewriteable cds and dvds. But still, a little laptop could have covered that and we could have the big computer for our film and photography pursuits, which is why we bought it in the first place. Yes, I advise everyone to keep and care for their equipment before it's too late! I also need to buy a digital camera, not because I want one, but because the film cameras I like are no longer for sale. You snooze you lose, I guess. I just wish I could be excited about all the new developments instead of scared and too poor to enjoy them. It gives me a headache all this development. I had to come home and make a cup of tea to calm down. I worry about the future a lot. Disability is a blessing, but it is not much money at all. Not if equipment breaks down and needs repair or replacing, which it inevitably does. I remember being able to handle emergencies by just throwing money at the situation. But having schizophrenia means having to learn to cut back and make do. The illness lends itself to that, anxiety and the inability to hold a job forces an economy of mind over matter. Sometimes I am taken aback when I remember how seamlessly I succumbed to my illness and made adjustments. I knew I had to end my marriage, I knew I could no longer work, I knew I had to move back home to my parents' house. I stopped caring about how I looked so that the trendy clothes I had collected were ridiculous. Schizophrenia is like a big spanking.
I am getting off to a bad start this year... My computer is running super slow, and I broke my printer out of impatience. I am disappointed with myself. Usually, probably because of the meds, I am very patient and methodical. Plus, I am always grateful to my Dad for buying me the printer, which I haven't used in about two years... I am already thinking of ways to spend my retroactive disability payments. It's easy to spend when you break things and have to replace them... I am thinking of splashing out for an Apple laptop. The Toshiba one I have now is three and a half years old and has been rebuilt because of viruses four times. So it's now worth double it's original price. I have always had Apple computers. This is my first pc. The virus problem is excessive I think. IF I get the disability money, I will go to the Apple store in Raleigh. Apple lasts without breakdowns and virus troubles... maybe I will even buy a digital camera and Photoshop. I miss having all of that... This Toshiba has been fun while it lasted, but I don't call three and a half years value for money...
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