Susie's Plantation. I have been working on the issues I mentioned in the previous post - former friends I still love and miss, God or no God, the fact that I haven't painted again yet since my last set of paintings is dry. Last night I decided to play some music just to lighten the mood, give myself a break, and my voices were helping me choose. One of the songs I listened to, at the urging of my voice which I love, was by Blind Melon, which I might have skipped otherwise, The song is called No Rain. The lyric goes, "All I can do is to boil some tea for two and speak my point of view but it's not sane." This is my apology to my dear former friend whom I love so much and miss, the one I criticized in an email and deeply regret doing. He "visited" me this morning and made me laugh. I'll smile about it all week. I just love him. But I have to allow that all this is just my mind, so that I don't go on as if he, in real life, knows what's going on, as if it were actually him. Having said that, I kind of allow that it might actually be him somehow. It's as if this exchange were what Lao Tzu would call, "doing without doing." He asked me why I was being so "white" with him. I laughed out loud. Felt good.
I spoke to my dear friend in London, Sophie, who has agreed to meet me in New York after she finishes her film sometime next year. I'm really looking forward to it. I love her dearly. She is the only friend I have who has been right with me throughout my schizophrenia, and her warmth and knowledge of psychology has really helped me out over the years. When I had my nervous breakdown 18 years ago, I told her about what I was doing, which was writing my aforementioned former friend hundreds of long, nonsensical emails. Last week she recommended a book to me to read, entitled, Why Women Write More Letters Than They Post. It looks interesting. My only thought is that, unfortunately for me and everyone I know and love, I post nearly everything I write. It can inundate people, I know, but I float my thoughts anyway because I just half the time don't even know where they came from. I usually don't know what I'm doing. So maybe this book will help. I'm hoping to start painting this week again sometime. I'm leaving it loose. I am very excited about my new colors, especially a lavender one, very vibrant and "girly" color and unlike anything I have ever come across. Should be interesting. But I do need a break from my voices to get started on the paintings. I have been up all night, I sleep one or two times during the day if I'm permitted by the voices, sometimes I just lie there for some time, my brain burning from too many cigarettes. Hopefully things will smooth out and I can go on, back to my routines, research and paintings.
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Susie's Plantation. It was so nice staying in this living museum, which is really just a private home. The scale of the rooms, the quiet confidence of the furnishings, how elegant that they were, sitting down to dinner and eating with nine other guests an authentic Czechoslovakian meal. Having a glass of wine. It was all really really special and a good exercise for me, though challenging because of my voices. I was spending time with a family, generations of it gathered together. My parents are divorced and we rarely are in the same room together, even then for only a few uncomfortable seconds. It happens when my Mom visits for Christmas and my Dad stops in to collect the mail, check on things, and turn out the lights. My grandparents are dead, and my cousins are spread out across the country. So it was really lovely to be included in this gathering. Family is always of paramount importance to my friend Susie, whereas individual survival day to day is my focus. The contrast was bracing and really nice.
Even though my paintings are dry, I haven't started painting again and I even have nine new colors to play with. Instead, I have been preoccupied with a break in behavior of mine, and generally am working through an episode. I wrote an email to a former friend who doesn't want to hear from me. I was criticising him for something he posted on the web. It's not like me to criticise anyone ever, and it has been 18 years since I have been in contact with this person and I wanted to know why I was breaking the rules with this email. Some people might say the criticism was due and that I had my rights, many people might think this. But I am an artist and by design and effort I am usually open and supportive at the very least. So for almost a week I have been writing about this email for myself, trying to figure out what I was hoping to achieve, and why. I have no conclusions. I can only say that voices practically tied me down and made me do it, and I can't even apologise or explain, because it would make a mess. So I just have to leave it and bring myself back within boundaries for now and the future. But I do hold out a hope, however in vain, that one day this former friend will understand me a little better and forgive and ideally develop a sense of humor about my failings. I really need that hand up in life, even if I should stop needing it from him. I had therapy yesterday, for the first time in three weeks, and my therapist kind of surprised me by reminding me that this former friend and others, including my ex-husband, did not actually care at all what happened to me then, 18 years ago, or thereafter. It was a bit like a refreshing splash of cologne. I need to understand that these people will not give me what I want, forgiveness and acceptance and understanding. I will simply never get that from them. I'm just having trouble understanding it and incorporating it as a fact. Hopefully, I'll get it into my head eventually. I wrote them all letters and they were either unanswered or returned as undeliverable. I was thanking them and apologising to them. But I have to realise that even that is foreign and weird to them, and in all these years they don't care where I am or what I am doing and if they give me a thought, it's probably to shake their heads and move on. It's just I have never had that happen to me before, that level of rejection. But I am trying to concentrate on the friends and family who do absolutely love me and want to hear from me, even depend on it. I have received so much love, especially since schizophrenia set in, and I should be gracious enough to give those people who dropped me an out and a free exit. I'm just having trouble getting out of the way. It is this I am trying to get to the bottom of these past few days. So lots of writing and soul searching and so on. I mean, I myself have walked away, shut people out. I even understand it. But for some reason I'm having trouble letting go of these people and I need to find out why, because I should paint and because there are plenty of beautiful people who want me in their lives. I shouldn't be so hung up and I know that. It's just that I would so love to apologise and explain, I feel sure it would "work", and even that needs to be a grip I loosen and let go of. I'm trying. Every single day I am both accepting that God has a plan and dismissing that God has a plan. In fact, I'm entirely open on the question of God every day. Sometimes it feels right to just say for a minute that there is no God and there is no plan. Then I am free to examine the phenomenon of schizophrenia as the workings of my own humble, fragile mind, and to work with it and take responsibility and action to improve, instead of, for instance, blindly praying for relief which may or may not come. I mean I have had relief, tons of it. I'm incredibly well taken care of and I'm truly thankful. I just think if there is a God, He doesn't mind letting me off the leash a little bit, so that I can experience the wilderness for what it is and come back of my own accord, educated and right in my mind. To me it's kind of like playing a guitar. Each string is a different note and together there is the possibility of harmony. I'm playing both concepts - God and no God - as instruments. I mean if there is a creator God, then the idea of no God is also His creation. All things are available. Ideally, we are not abandoned for wondering. In the meantime, I came across an excerpt from a book I ended up ordering, used, online. It was beautifully done and is the kind of writing that really helps me think of how to manage or at least approach and accept my schizophrenia. It's called Zen Mind Beginner Mind. It says, "A mind with waves in it is not a disturbed mind, but actually an amplified one. Whatever you experience is an expression of big mind." I'm looking forward to reading this book. Susie's Plantation. I have spent a hardworking few days online researching about psychology and consulting my tarot and I Ching site. I have discovered internalization and sublimation. For all these years I thought my voices were some manifestation of God or the devil or Satan, or spirits or angels. Then I found out that there is internalization, where the ego replaces an object. Since some of these characters are people I know, I am prepared to think I have internalized and that could explain things. This is new. Before, I just could not accept that these voices and hallucinations were of my own mind - they are surprising, original in their own right and they even have a physicality, I can feel them. And for sublimation, I have done a bit of that. It's when you transform undesirable impulses into something acceptable and mature. This explains to me why the voices are now, for the most part, nice to me and conversational, instead of insane and violently angry with me. That by the way, my friend Sophie tells me, is the super-ego. So, I'm learning. As for the tarot and I Ching, I'm not looking to have my fortune told or anything, it's just that its format is question and answer and it's free. I can bounce off whatever comes up if it occurs to me, it presents archetypes and a little Jungian psychology concept. Since I don't have access to an analyst, it's the best I can do. At least I can see what is on my mind, know what I'm thinking. It's free and I use it for hours sometimes. The site is Facade.com. I recommend it to those who are interested. I use the Renaissance deck or the William Blake deck usually, or the I Ching program.
I am going to start painting again tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to stretch my legs and do something different and more tactile and textural with my hands. I'm going to have to start hanging them permanently though, I think I have mentioned this recently. I'm running out of space to store them. I have 35 paintings so far. I'm excited, but before I hang them I have to paint the walls and I also have bought a yardstick for 75 cents to measure the nails with. Usually I would just eye it, but I'm making these for the guest room and the kitchen and I have in mind visitors, so I will try to do it properly, unless it drives me crazy. It usually does. I thought Susie's silver was beautiful in the low, natural light of the entryway there. It reminded me of the way Monet painted silver, which I always love. I used to polish my Mom's silver, so I know silver quite well. It was lovely to stay in such an elegant old grown-up house. It dates from 1714, half of it, and the other half from 1820. Hawkeye from Last of the Mohicans stayed there, they told me. It belonged to the Governor for a while. It has 60 acres, and is next to a really nice state park. Susie actually lives in Canada, with her Czechoslovakian architect husband, so her Dad looks after the place here. This was the first time she has opened it up since renovation, so it was very nice to be able to visit. I always sleep really well in old houses, I think it's the ghosts or something, or the silence and the shadows. I don't know for sure. Susie's Plantation. I'm trying to get back on schedule. I missed one or two posts last week because of my episode, which also caused me to scratch my car at a drive-thru window. I was hallucinating and thought someone was taking over the wheel. It's a learning process, episodes. I will have to just take it very slow. But I still believe in trying to keep to my routines - eat, sleep, meds. I'm getting better at it and I will just have to keep trying, because my beloved Latuda is not as good as other meds with keeping the episodes at bay, but I won't change it because the downtime is so glorious and productive.
My paintings are dry! So I am free to paint more. The only thing is, I will need to hang some after this next series, because my shelf space is running out for finished, dry paintings. I'm excited. I have decided to ask my Dad to help with the expense of the interior latex paint I need for the walls. I just can't find a spare $50 or more for the foreseeable future. I think he won't mind. After this I will have my neighbor over for coffee. She very kindly gave me her number and has invited me to church, which I can't accept. It "triggers" as they say. I have been looking at all kinds of ideas online. A possible master's in social work or at the very least peer counseling. None of which I can pursue right now because of episodes, if not just expense, too. But it's a thought. Also, just for fun, googling around about travel. My favorite is Kathmandu, I have been before. Also Tokyo, also been there several times, Chile - to the home of Pablo Neruda, I'm even considering India, but that is kind of a major plan... Interior travel and all that. And my friend Sophie is excited to meet me in New York from London after she finishes her film, an intimate portrait of artist performer Grace Jones. It's all just pie in the sky right now these ideas, but they keep me feeling in touch and like things are possible. I can scrape up the money for New York and possibly one overseas trip, given several years to do so. Of course, I have to report foreign travel, and I'm nervous about my episodes making me undependable, which is why I'm thinking of places I have been before, bar Chile and India. I even have a standing invitation to Rio from my beautiful friend Bianca. So yes, it all helps my mind this research. My bookmarks list grows every week. I went to the gastroenterologist's today and they are planning an upper endoscopy. It is all in aid of trying to find out why I'm anaemic. It's odd to have something like that come up on a blood test, but I'm not very worried. I feel fine and there have been no health problems that I can identify or remember. I go in June. Susie's Plantation. I went on a weekend trip to visit my school friend. It was a good exercise in orienteering. I'm glad I made it. It was totally lovely. I was having a little bit of trouble with voices on the way and on the return journey, but somehow I kept my nerve. It was a successful trip. My friend Susie is always a delight to see, and I was just annoyed that I couldn't keep my tone entirely, though I was so glad to meet everyone. I don't like to draw attention to myself in conversation. I felt a little manipulated into lapsing into some kind of complaining script I didn't authorise. I am also rarely around young people. I'm delighted that they were there. They were great. So intuitive.
I am still waiting for my paintings to dry. I'm resisting the command to touch them, my pace is good, I mean, I know about how long to leave them now. I'm still guessing though. I'm quite happy with my kinoflo paintings. I'm keeping an eye on my doctor's appointments. I'm fine about it, just have to keep my nerve. The time has slipped up on me. It's next week, my preparation appointment. I thought it would still be about three weeks away. I get annoyed losing track of time. My schedule is important to me and I have been trying to stay on track. To me this is sane. I'm not really worried. Just giving medicine a chance to do what it can do with maintenance. Thank you. . Home Depot. I have a vague headache these days. I have been listening to too much music on youtube. And the thing is, I can only find what I remember, so I'm bored and out of fashion, which is fine I would just like something new and I'm old, so pop radio seems silly to me now, I'm not interested in Taylor Swift and others. So I listen to the Rolling Stones and Public Image Ltd, which I love, but yeah, I'm in a time warp. I won't even put lol, it's not funny, it's somehow difficult. I stream some music sometimes from radio stations, but I'm just, well old I guess says it all. The newest thing I have heard of is Die Antwoord, from about three years ago, and I like Tycho. If anyone has music suggestions, please leave a comment. It would be appreciated.
It's the same with films, I struggle to remember what I have seen, but I was glad to find the Battle of Algiers on youtube last night, I put it on too late to finish, but I will make time for that film again at some point. I also found a Tunisian film I liked many years ago, Les Silences du Palais. I watched a bit of that, then got distracted with the Battle of Algiers. I guess I should just search "film" or "new film" I hesitate to try "foreign film" because it's international, I mean, foreign to whom, you know? I kind of miss London for film, we had film festivals all the time old and new stuff, there was always something to see. I'm horrified that I went to the cinema last week and saw Hi My Name Is Doris. It was a cringing story of a fantasist older lady, starring Sally Field. I think I chose it to punish myself lol. There was nothing else to choose from. But I did find my first two music videos I made, someone kindly uploaded them to youtube. It was fun to see them again - I had thrown out my copies. I linked them to my LinkedIn page, which I do for reasons I can't discern. I would be better off just setting up a website, but some of the producers and other friends I have are on LinkedIn, it's just I'm not really in the job market and if I were, LinkedIn probably isn't the right place. But it does challenge me to remember what I have done in my life, and to think about what I might do. I have actually been considering peer counseling and even getting a Master's in Social Work. There are no peer counseling courses near me so I would have to stay in a hotel for a week, which I could do if I decide to follow that idea. But my God, the MSW is like crazy - so much money and for social work! USC is nearly 100k! As I can only see as far as volunteering, and as I am 51 and as I don't have the money, it just seems out of reach and for anyone of any age, way too expensive. I looked at some advertisements for peer counseling, and it is quite demanding, but still, a paying job if you are looking for one. I just will ever volunteer if I pursue it, I don't think I could manage more than one or two afternoons a week. I had in mind just visiting the hospital for the inpatients - mental health - and maybe some online counseling. But yeah, it's proper work, peer counseling - there are reports to fill out and most require used of your own car. I was tired and stressed just reading about it. But yeah, I am considering these avenues and I'm glad I did the initial research. I know that I am not ready now, but maybe next year or sometime if my new dosage works well. I'm just kind of intimidated by the idea of work, volunteer even. I just don't want to mess up. I don't know if I need the pressure. I just remember that with all of my hospitalizations, I would have loved to have someone to talk to me about anything, including options like Disability and so on. Someone to help focus my attention on my life, even just someone to ask me where I live and how I'm doing financially and stuff. Even like to remember who to call in an emergency, to remember who I know and how I got in the hospital in the first place. So that's what I have in mind. Other than that, I will continue with my painting and my little photography efforts, because those are what I love to do and anyway, I have used that kind of thing for money too in the past, naturally. It's been 18 years since my diagnosis and every day is like starting completely over. Philosophically, I think this is sound and a blessing though. I see the futility in having plans or goals and I just therefore consider all my options every day. It can be refreshing. Farmer's Market. I went to area garden centers to take some photographs, these were the first I took. I love them, but I compare them to the cloud of perfect daisies I loved at my friend's house in Italy, and these seem poor. I am a sort of would-be gardener. My parents laid out the yards where I live, they even planted the grass, and there is no obvious place to put my ideas - wildflowers, roses, lavender. It's just as well though, gardening kind of takes over your life and can be expensive. I like what my parents did, we have flowers in season and it's very low maintenance. It looks like a golf course, if you can forgive the patchy grass. It's nice.
My paint arrived yesterday. I was wooed by a sale, of course, and bought a lot, some new colors too I have never used before. I have more on my wish list, but I think I will wait until later in the year to buy. As it is, my paintings need a couple of months to dry before there's room for more anyway. And I thought of how to mix one of the colors I would like - I can get very close anyway. I just have to stop shopping generally. I'm getting to a natural stopping point with the projects in the house, I just have to buy some interior paint for the walls I damaged. But in the meantime, I have a couple of dates with friends and I want to feel I have plenty of cash for that. So I will not buy more oils until at least August. It's crazy to think of planning that far in advance, but my calendar has pencils until the end of the year, each one with an eye on my wallet. So yeah, it's nice to be busy and I mustn't leave myself short. So I'll buy later. Really, I could wait until next year. My friendly spirits and voices have been keeping me company for the past couple of weeks. It's nice to have them, actually. I'm otherwise lonely, or giving too much thought to my ex-husband or something. I am just so glad that they are super kind and they teach in a way, they interrupt my lesser thoughts with a brilliant word for contrast. I love it. My mind has a bitter critic, and these spirits know how to short circuit those thoughts. It's lovely to have actually. And I find that they don't turn mean to me, like the other ones did, even as recently as March. They are welcome. I like having an uplifting influence in the absence of real-life friends. |
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June 2017
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