I had therapy today and it was quite dense with talk about my recent psychosis. I try to avoid talking about psychotic episodes. I so much prefer, so how are you etc. But this year has been really hard and I suddenly realised how entirely gone i have been this year and recently. i talked to her. She said I should talk to my psychiatrist, that maybe the meds need adjusting. She pointed out ways that I was trying to establish a straight sentence in my mind as something of a good effort.
My mind makes up stories, it connects the dots as it were, until i'm in a story that makes no sense and is not reality. Delusion. It is really hard. I try to stay online and to talk to my friends in london and to talk with my mom to stay in reality. Politics has been really really hard to take so I have kind of avoided Facebook until today, and it was not bad. I just completely could not take another insane statement. I'm quite depressed by the whole prospect, but I live in a world of my own and I have my Disability and I just have to do what I do, which this year has been to be very efficient with my money. I wrote out budgets for the rest of the year by the month, and i have quite a bit of extra money because of that. But I want to take some of it and go for sushi. They are always so sweet in there and they gave me a bonsai tree. I haven't been all year because of psychosis and because of really saving my money. It is the math of that that keeps me sane when i am out of the house. I hear voices all the time and i have trouble if i'm out for a long time without a specific plan. I go to Barnes and Noble and I look at the journals and I think I don't want to whore up a journal as beautiful as that with my horror stories. Not that i should be excused here either. so many apologies and hopefully i will have a better frame of mind in the coming months. Thank you for your patience if you have been able to stand this blog. I really hope to raise the bar mentally, for myself and for you. thanks.
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The kitchen. i was imagining a beach. My friend from childhood who visited me in July gave me some things to look at for redoing the kitchen, which I don't think will happen any time soon. but it made me think of beaches. I have been imagining adding land to land and different landscapes.
I realise how far gone I have been in the past few weeks. It's been quite bad. I have just enough perspective on that, which as my doctor in london once said, is kinder on the mind. I am trying to get through the days. I was able to stay up last night and listen to music, which was nice. I haven't been able to stay awake past 8 o clock lately, at night. but yes trying to get through the days until my ocean film which i am hoping will happen october 8. i have been quite hallucinatory about it, and I have some ideas to work with if i can get my photoshop working. It didn't work for the tutorial. I don't know if it's RAM or whatever. We'll see. I just really want to get out of being insane. It is so hard. I'm just glad that I have been able to keep a normal schedule, like i don't eat that much now, but i'm not starving, which has put me in the hospital before, stuff like that. I have had a lot of trouble distinguishing reality from fiction, people look and act strange, and i feel guided by voices and satellites, which I had not thought of before. I thought I was sane when I was writing this post in the last few weeks, but in reality i have been psychotic since mid July, and before that much of February and March. So it has been a difficult year. I'm a little disappointed by the performance of the Latuda. I was hoping for more control, though I am not sleeping all day like i was on previous medications. i hope to be able to pull myself together in the coming months. I'm quite disappointed. I painted these over the summer, the latest one on the lower left.
I am thinking of my ocean film idea, which I will try to make on October 8, 2016. I knitted this morning, and last night. I knitted a wave, with copper sand. I took a picture of the paintings. I have more. Sorry, i cannot post my picures of the beach ideas from the things in my kitchen because even though it is my house, my eyes, my camera and my melamine samples which were a gift from a friend... I have been stolen from, again.
Some clothes, a skein of yarn, on my clothing bag. Yesterday was breathtaking, a little hard work, because a new team came in.
I like to knit. Yesterday, I took some time to go get a croissant from Freshmarket. On the way home, I stopped in at Jo-Ann's, I looked briefly around the store, mostly at the Fall decorations. I bought the skein of yarn in the picture. I like to just knit, without a specific pattern. So, I just knit scarves, and I just see how it goes as to when and whether to change skeins or not. Same with patterns. I have yet to knit a perfect thing, I'm always learning. It is quite sculptural, knitting. |
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June 2017
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