A Sketchbook I did. I made this collection of sketches and things with my ex-husband in mind. I wanted to remember things he liked, especially pears, which i tried to draw from memory. I filled up the whole book, different drawings and some photographs I took of myself on self timing when I was in Georgia, staying with my Mom, after leaving LA. It was a nice thing to do for myself. I also like Pinterest these days. I just put the images to like or pin if they remind me of things, people i have met or just generally good photography, people in motion all that. Lots of these images are just kind of capturing a mood i like or some kind of pleasant weather. I can't really define it and I don't want it defined for me. When I first discovered Pinterest I was so happy, it makes everyone a kind of magazine editor in a way. I just find it relaxing to look at the pictures. My Pinterest has been kind of flooded with images other people would like me to like, which is depressing. They should just like what they like already. I haven't painted in several days.
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Lowes Hardware Store, 2016. Trying not to lose my mind. When I was very young, I realised that life was completely stupid. I try to keep living anyway.
I live for good photography. I live for the things I do. Waiting for Mom to call. Spring 2016. Having a hard time. Constantly fighting off the ideas of idiots and stupid people. Painted yesterday. Need to wash the brushes. Slow getting around to that for some reason. Was able to see my friend on Facebook video call, but I couldn't hear her. Controls on my equipment and music prevent me having a normal happy day.
Hoping to get back to my life as I know it. People want an instant, super happy attitude out of me and the fact is my life has been ruined. I just try to keep going. My emails and Facebook and letters have been interrupted and misdirected and criticized with no excuse. For instance, my ex-husband called me last year, twice one day. I returned his phone calls at least twice and I wrote him several emails just briefly explaining what had happened to me over the years since 1998, when we last saw each other. I have been told this was wrong of me to do. No thank you. He called me. I don't know what he wanted. It was nice to hear his voice on the answering machine though. It was kind of, quietly, a highlight of the year. The Azaleas. Spring 2016. This weekend I had a very special favor. My friend from childhood, who I was able to locate on the internet, flew into town to visit me, especially. I'm just so kind of amazed at how nice that is of her and of life in general. She is beautiful.
Today we went to the Museum of Art. I have never seen a better exhibition in my life, ever, really. It was different than any other I had seen and was impossible to figure out. But it was evidence of real creation, all of it, and I was so glad that my friend had the idea to go there with me. I was just really glad to see the work, in real life, of some artists I had heard of, from when I was in school. And was completely in love with the hard work of the others, who I just am totally kind of humbled by. It was real evidence, this show and such a wonderful kind of time out for me from, well, every day life and art as I had only ever seen it. New technology to me. but also old and original technology, I can't remember what the art was called, on the docent tags, but I was really really in love with what I saw and I realized that my own education was kind of a nice experience that prepared me for the majesty of this exhibit. Thank you. My Italian Picture Frames. I had dinner with a friend from my childhood which was spent in Italy, 1971-1975. She very graciously flew in to this town to see me and she is the most spectacularly wonderful sweet supportive, wonderful friend to me. It has been many decades and though she suffers from depression, she is completely forthcoming and a great, I'm mean to the point that I'm embarrassed, listener.
We talked in her hotel room for quite a while. It was great for me, but I kind of hate to be so forthcoming. I mean, I don't need a fall guy - girl. She super. I'm just thrilled to see her and it was nice to see a picture of her Dad, too, I hardly remember his face, in detail, but he is still completely bald and tall and thin as I remember. I hope so much that she has a better time taking care of her family. Her Mom is not doing well and I just can't quite believe it, my friend said she was waiting for her Mom to pass, which I'm just unable to quite get, though I know it's hard. I mean, I am giving everything I've got that I don't lose my parents, who, without them, I would certainly be homeless or dead or whatever by now. I really adore both my parents. After my initial mental and physical crash in LA, after a couple of years or so of struggle I flew home to live with my Mom, who wasn't quite sure how to handle me, but she did well. I mean I was just so disoriented. Then I came up to my Dad's and it's been all really hard too. But I count on them. I understand that somehow I can go on without them if it comes to it, but why would I want to???? I am just glad they are both in their own way, at near 80 years of age, very well functioning. I really love that they have been there for me and really, it's like, been hard. you know? Anyway, we then had dinner in an Italian restaurant, which by some miracle, exists in this town. I think it's even here by people from Naples, which is where we lived, In the same neighborhood called Parco Azzuro. I had calamari, which was good, and she had a marvelous looking chicken parmesan. They do so much good food, huge portions. Anyway, it's right around the corner from her hotel so it's just great that she's here and we could do that. I'm still having voices and visions. I thought I wasn't going to be able to meet her at all, voices kept telling me that she was not going to come that it was all a lie. Stuff like that. I mean, I just get tortured like that all the time. And forces that want me to be jealous of other people who somehow know my history and what I love and they want me to believe that they are taking it away from me for themselves. I mean, sure that is somehow how the truth, but I'm glad to be home here and I'm waiting for the return of my things. In my life I have filed two police reports and I expect them to give me a result I can understand. I mean, there are points of no return in life. By this I mean that I have been pushed so far that my life will not be what I wanted it to be ever, and I invested in cameras and a bicycle, which were stolen. I just had each one specially and I enjoy them and as I have to go on in life, anyway, I look forward to the return of those things. It's not therapeutic to think that will never happen. I mean, I'm tired of letting go, and no one can say I haven't done that. But a police report should matter. And those things I own are important to me. Oddly today my Dad brought home what looked like my Canon Optura that my ex-husband had given me after our divorce. I can't tell if it's the same one, I kind of don't think so. I don't know what it means. I mean, I should not have had to throw it out in the first place. I remember the only thing I was able to film on it, here after it was given to me, was a tropical storm. I don't even know if it was properly recorded. I remember doing that though. It was different. I remember really loving that camera. My ex-husband is good at choosing cameras. It was a nice one, with nice kind of filters, I remember one that kind of solarized things, made beautiful colors and things. Anyway, I don't know what it means, this camera, the battery charger doesn't work and the battery doesn't fit in the battery place, The camera was hot and sticky and kind of just trashed generally, and the case is not the same, the clips are different that close it.. I don't understand this reappearance of this camera in my life, and the fact that it is not the same somehow. And though I would love to play with it again, I'm like, well, you know, I'll just have to wait. I'm kind of dreading that it is some kind of horrible plan, like I'm scared that my ex-in-laws and their terrible habit of offering a brother as a replacement for a lost husband, is somehow looming. I mean, really, I have been highly interfered with since my initial separation, then the divorce, and I'm like really, I gave my best and I have to go on here. I can't be expected to start over again, with anyone. I mean, really, it is like entirely torture for me. Like I can feel someone's tongue licking me between the legs and I can see it, but i'm fully clothed and sitting in my Grandmother's dining room chair. This sensation has been going on for days and I have screamed for it to stop as I hate it, but it hasn't stopped. I mean, I made it clear that I'm not going to have sex again or a boyfriend again to these persistent spirits. I mean, really, I have been raped beyond belief and accused beyond all reason and regard for facts. I have been absolutely tortured about what is a wedding anyway, all that. I mean it's so awful I don't really want to describe it. I have been absolutely tortured and I can't take the continuing revelations of horrible truth and plans. I just want to see my friends and family. And I would like to take a trip to the beach, stuff like that. I have in mind a possible trip to India or Kathmandu or Japan or somewhere, places I kind of love. I mean, I would love to stay in the Hotel Excelsior in Kathmandu, room 315, where I stayed with my ex-husband when this illness started really showing up. I remember the lemon grove next to the hotel, and I took a picture of my ex-husband recording the air from a window there at the end of the hall. I just think that that would be nice to see again. I don't know why. I mean it's expensive to get there, and I don't really know what I want out of it. I just thought it was lovely there when we were there. India I have never been to, I understand it's kind of hard for visitors, so I don't know what I'm thinking of beyond I just love the photographs I have seen of it. The music. I mean I love thinking of those things. But getting back to the present moment, I'm just thinking to get through my day and night without assault, it's hard. I hope I see my brother tomorrow. I like that he's doing well. I mean, I don't know what he's doing at all or what his plans in life are, but it's been nice running to the store for chocolate or pens or colas, potato chips when he asks. I'm just glad he asks me. Otherwise we never talk much really. He rarely comes out of his room. I don't know. I don't know what to expect out of life or anything really, I'm just afraid to kind of get in my brother's way in life. That kind of thing. H&L Auto Body Shop. Flower Bed. It's kind of terrible today. I just can't stand the abuse of the human image. It's in the sky everywhere. I'm trying not to lose my mind. It's all so bad. So entirely sarcastic and cruel and just terrible.
I was able to get my prescriptions sorted out today. THANK GOD. I felt really great about the way things were straightened out. I just really hope things will settle down and look normal soon. People need to keep in shape. It's like I'm so sickened that people would combine genes until nothing makes sense anymore. I'm just really trying to keep doing what I love to do. I don't appreciate having to fight for my own self recognition, is what I'm trying to say. I'm frankly horrified. But I took a drive to Target to take my mind off things. There was a lot of interesting knits. Jewelry for inspiration. I just can't be operated like an insane robot. So I couldn't look at everything. But it did make me feel good that there was so much good design out there. Moisturizers people. Please. Let's drink restaurant water. It's always perfect. And some mexican food or something. I like colas. I love thinking of my ex-husband and his family. It keeps me sane. I need to settle down and drink something nice. Also I would like to try out my lotion I bought. Vaseline Intensive Care. It's very good for my skin type as I remember when I was a teenager. I'm just really upset. I was so angry that people thought of taking my ex-husband skydiving when I know for a fact he is or was afraid of flying in airplanes. It made him very nervous. I would always say don't worry, and we would have a glass of champagne. Please don't force people to do what they don't want to do. The flowers at H&L. Having a really hard time. The music I like to listen to has been blocked. People are or have been trying to force me to have a baby, to pretend all kind of insane things, I am, of course, very upset. I like to listen to the Chet Baker music on Youtube. I especially like, I Get Along Without You Very Well. It helps me to not worry about my ex-husband, who was not in great shape when I last saw him in person, but who seems to be wonderfully happy when I check online - I like Google for my browser. I just cued it up on Youtube and they played it all day, just a really nice Jazz line up. It's very helpful to me to listen to this, then I can be thankful that we are divorced, which I am. I'm feeling very abused about language and I'm tired of being misunderstood. I mean, I gave him a divorce to save his life and I'm not sorry about it.
I'm happy living here in my Dad's house, and my brother lives here too. We are both schizophrenic and I personally don't want to be disturbed about that. I have also been very disturbed that the employees at the shops and business I frequent have been not their usual independent happy selves. There are new staff there willy nilly and I am being forced to give up my medicine, which works, all the time. The doctor I last saw has been replaced with an idiot nurse practitioner, and the receptionists were insane. They informed me that they are planning to move locations as well, which really upsets me. Also, the things I regularly buy at the store are increasingly hard to find and I often have to accept what I'm not happy with - my favorite things disappear, which I cannot understand, because I am using their MVP card, which records and adjusts the price on what I buy. I mean, they know what I like and I'm tired of it being questioned and all that. I'm tired of people trying to control and judge my moods and appearance generally. And my time. I was able to paint yesterday, but it was a real struggle. I don't appreciate people using me at all. Parking Lot. Hard work but feeling better. I hate being cheered up, but I love cheerful happy company. Finally got out for a nice picture. Thanks.
Post Office Trees, Pruned. Spring 2016. I have had a horrific few days. I have been prevailed upon unspeakably. I'm so tired of having to explain to people everything from "Leave me alone" to "could you understand and be sane?". It's a horribly confused mess and there is no excuse for it. This page is for schizophrenic people, friends, I understand it's also been recommended to a class of psychology students, an actual classroom, I mean My God, I cannot continue to explain. I'm diagnosed "Schizophrenic" and I accept that. There is no cure. I have doctor I see, a PSYCHIATRIST, and they removed him for a fucking nurse practicioner, which I do not appreciate, and I have regular doctor, a therapist and a gynocologist and I get a mammogram once a year. So leave me alone. I TAKE MY MEDICINE. I am Disabled as in ON Disabilty. I'm not willing to negotiate it. I just accept it. Of course I know I could apply for a job but I did that for years and had no luck. As I already had my diagnosis many times, IT IS ON RECORD, I decided to take my Dad's lead and apply for Disability from THE SOCIAL SECURITY ADMINISTRATION. I know perfectly well I COULD apply for jobs, but it is not necessary to displace people and anyway, it is healing for me to just enjoy my day, which I deserve and shouldn't have to explain. Sorry, I just trust that people my come across my blog for whatever reason and I'm sick and tired of people with jealousy and envy problems and even rude appropriative accusatory or even well intentioned interference with my mind and chosen life style. I didn't love to have to be somehow insane or to have to leave my husband and partner, but that is what happened. I can't be expected to deal with dumbass amateurs who have tried mightIly to throw me off my medical treatment and can I say it? Even overthrow the Government. To them, I say FUCK OFF.
I WOULD LIKE TO GET BACK TO MY BLOG AND MY FRIENDS AND SO ON. My painting, which I like ok LOVE to do. I just try and do things like that and I'm sick of I owe that PRIVILEDGE and CREDIT and everything else to someone else. No thank you. BYE. So yeah, I would like to just keep going with my life and not be FREAKED OUT. People in town who I'm used to dealing with look strange and stressed. This is a small town. I don't expect to have to understand that people I am used to seeing have disappeared or look awful or there is some horrible event that they are not working there any more. This has been happening and I'm highly upset. I feel pressure and I feel abused. I know how to conduct myself. I just do. I should not be pushed. I am sorry i can't deliver a smoother report and an easy message, as I am used to being able to do that. I mean, it's nice to be able to enjoy my day and have a smooth happy life. I just need that and I'm not interested in being used as a screaming , though perfectly sane I admit, DIRECTOR. I am long many years retired and I have published that. I don't appreciate being fucked with. I haven't done much reading lately, though i occasionally enjoy that. It has been nice to just mention ideas that I have read about and considered and am considering. I'm just saying schizophrenia is, by my definition, a spiritual crisis and a chemical imbalance. I don't want to be challenged on that or to have to define it further. I'm 51 years old. I have been under attack off and on for 18 years. I'm tired of being taken for a fucking ride. GET OUT! Hopefully I will be, as the English say, back on form by Sunday, next time I write here. I certainly hope so. |
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