I had a really strange episode this week that lasted three days. I stayed awake for 48 hours and had really strange hallucinations. I don't know why it happened. But it was mostly friendly, so I didn't mind too much. I came out of it thinking that I am so lucky to be on disability and to live in a nice comfortable house. I think that this illness is the worst thing that ever happened to me, but I am trying to learn to cope. Still learning, after 16 years. I still think that it was so unfair of this illness to have happened to me. I had to let go of my marriage, quit my job, leave my home... And I will never be able to have it back again. It was my whole life this disease ruined. The episode I had allowed me to talk to the favorite people in my life, my ex-husband for one, and to make peace. So it was good. I lost track of time, didn't take my meds, didn't answer the phone. I just couldn't help it, I was spellbound. It has been two days and I'm still basking in it, it was so nice to spend that time with him. I do really miss him a lot, but episodes like that also remind me that he wouldn't be happy with that kind of behavior. I guess I am still glad I let him go. I guess I am, but I still miss him. I often google for pictures of him and his new family, just to keep up with the latest news. I am happy to see his pictures, but I also feel sad that they are not mine. I still have trouble believing that it's over, and that I will never see him again. It's really hard to take sometimes. But I keep working at it. The worst is when my hallucinations really ram it home that I am no longer part of his world. It seems to ignore all the goodwill I give the situation as it is and this I cannot abide. I was totally incapacitated when I called my marriage to a halt, and I will not tolerate some kind of accusation that I haven't faced reality about it. I have faced reality. I face it every day and every night. I have tried to make a friendship with him but he doesn't want it. So I just have to go on somehow. It is hard to do sometimes. But then I consider all the problems there are in the world and my silly illness seems really small and ridiculously self centered. I just wish I could have my normal life again, my normal thinking brain. I miss my old thoughts and attitudes. It's autumn now and the weather is cool. I am glad to be home, ill or not.
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I have been having a rough week. My doctor upped my antidepressant which interferes with my antipsychotic and I have been jumpy and quick-tempered. I had a long episode over the weekend and have had trouble adjusting back to my normal routines. I am happy that the antidepressant has taken away some of the foggy-mindedness of the antipsychotic but it will still take some getting used to, I think. I want to work with it, though. I would like to be more active in my mind and body, hence the prescription of the antidepressant. I'm more fully aware of how effective the antipsychotic is, how much work it has been doing to keep me calm and stable. I have always had break-through episodes on it, every week, but short-lived ones for the most part and easily handled by going to bed. Now I have to participate a little more, not just coast along, I have to work with this new prescription. I think it's going to be good though. I went to the first appointment with my new therapist last week and it was really good. I think I wouldn't have been ready for her a year ago when I was really under the spell of schizophrenia. I mentioned to her that I was thinking that volunteering for a theater was something I might like to do and it really caught her imagination. She recommended a theater downtown that might be good for me. I had never heard of it. I contacted the technical director and went along to the theater for one of their bi-monthly meetings, but the building was locked. I could hear a rehearsal going on, but no-one was there to receive people for the meeting. I went back home and emailed the technical director again and was invited to the next meeting, happening next week. I hope it is not going to be another flakey moment because this is the first thing I have found in 16 years to capture my attention. If I can do something for this theater I will be happy I think, I want to make more contacts socially and I want something to do. I feel nervous. I haven't done anything like this for years. I don't know what I have to offer, but hopefully whatever it is is welcomed.
I finally turned fifty last weekend. I have been thinking about that birthday since I was 45. Each year I counted down to the big day. My twenties were very happy and I was full of life, which kept producing pearls for me. My thirties were more interesting until I became ill at age 34. This event ended my life as I was living it entirely. My forties were a decade of hospitals, doctors, medicines and mourning. Mourning the loss of my marriage, the life we had built together. Bumbling around trying to get back on my feet and failing again and again until I just quit trying. It was really hard. Many schizophrenics say they wouldn't wish the disease on their worst enemy. I agree with that. I think it is born of the question, 'why me?' which all schizophrenics ask themselves. Being under the thumb of schizophrenia causes an expansion of the heart and mind. Other people are much more appreciated and in focus. Memory is strong and nostalgia for normality becomes a motif. I don't have the same appetite for life that I had in my twenties and early thirties. In fact, I struggle more often than not to find a reason to keep on living. It helps not to have plans that can fail, and it helps to just live. I have thought of suicide and it has thought of me. But I have decided that while I don't have much to live for, there's always another day. That's all I have to consider. I don't hope to rebuild my life. I just hope sometimes, that I meet some nice people who will understand. I have only recently started telling people that I have schizophrenia and so far it hasn't caused many waves. That's a big relief. I worried a lot about letting it be known. As if it might go away. But it doesn't go away. I want to start a new healthy regime to take me into old age. I thought walking would be good. Now that the weather is cooling it's a good time to start. I would also like to lose the weight that the medicine has made me gain. So I will be having some adventures in the kitchen. Nothing dramatic, just trying to trim out the fat so that my walking will shape me up. God I read this back and I seem so reduced as a person to what I was. But I know better than to try and rebuild. It just ends in a trip to the hospital. I really hate that I missed out on life with my ex-husband and I really wanted children. It has been such a short 16 years. All that time I could have spent as a wife and mom... Yeah, I still feel stunned by schizophrenia. It takes my breath away when I think of how much I lost. Still, I have had these years to get close to my parents again. My mother came up for my birthday, and we had a nice time at the botanical gardens and a good restaurant. It was like old times, when I would come home from university and she would take me out to great restaurants around Virginia. It was all so fun. It was lovely to visit again. But still, even with all that, I miss my love. I really do.
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June 2017
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