I had a really strange episode this week that lasted three days. I stayed awake for 48 hours and had really strange hallucinations. I don't know why it happened. But it was mostly friendly, so I didn't mind too much. I came out of it thinking that I am so lucky to be on disability and to live in a nice comfortable house. I think that this illness is the worst thing that ever happened to me, but I am trying to learn to cope. Still learning, after 16 years. I still think that it was so unfair of this illness to have happened to me. I had to let go of my marriage, quit my job, leave my home... And I will never be able to have it back again. It was my whole life this disease ruined. The episode I had allowed me to talk to the favorite people in my life, my ex-husband for one, and to make peace. So it was good. I lost track of time, didn't take my meds, didn't answer the phone. I just couldn't help it, I was spellbound. It has been two days and I'm still basking in it, it was so nice to spend that time with him. I do really miss him a lot, but episodes like that also remind me that he wouldn't be happy with that kind of behavior. I guess I am still glad I let him go. I guess I am, but I still miss him. I often google for pictures of him and his new family, just to keep up with the latest news. I am happy to see his pictures, but I also feel sad that they are not mine. I still have trouble believing that it's over, and that I will never see him again. It's really hard to take sometimes. But I keep working at it. The worst is when my hallucinations really ram it home that I am no longer part of his world. It seems to ignore all the goodwill I give the situation as it is and this I cannot abide. I was totally incapacitated when I called my marriage to a halt, and I will not tolerate some kind of accusation that I haven't faced reality about it. I have faced reality. I face it every day and every night. I have tried to make a friendship with him but he doesn't want it. So I just have to go on somehow. It is hard to do sometimes. But then I consider all the problems there are in the world and my silly illness seems really small and ridiculously self centered. I just wish I could have my normal life again, my normal thinking brain. I miss my old thoughts and attitudes. It's autumn now and the weather is cool. I am glad to be home, ill or not.
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June 2017
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