I have been reading other blogs to do with schizophrenia this week and I came across one by Jennifer L Meyers called "Never Give Up". She is a Buddhist, and had a quote on her page from Nichiren Daishonin saying that heaven and hell are within us and nowhere else and that to be aware of this is to be a Buddha, to be unaware is to be deluded... It struck me, because I have been trying to decide if my schizophrenia is within, in my own brain, or without, from the spiritual world. If I go with Daishonin, the voices that have plagued and soothed me are from within. That would go along with the thoughts of one of my friends in London, who is an atheist and psychology student, who thinks it's all in my head. Well, somehow, I find some relief in this new idea from Daishonin. It's somehow now easier for me to accept that the voices come from within and not from the spirit world, as I was inclined to imagine... Meyers says that nothing she ever did could have warranted the persecution she had experienced (I guess from psychosis, the voices) and that is what I have said too, to my friends in London. I am a Christian and I thought I was experiencing the wrath of God, or a test from the Devil. When I was well I didn't believe in the Devil. It's just that the voices were so mean and so personal to me. But I have spent a long time working on my mental hygiene, as the Dalai Lama calls it, and it has seemed to help, along with meds and prayer, to soothe the beast.
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A couple of days ago on the mental health chat page, one of the chatters said that schizophrenia is a spiritual disorder. It caught my eye. I have been trying to discover more about my schizophrenia ever since my first breakdown 16 years ago. I know the meds help, but they don't work completely for me... And the nature of my psychoses is highly spiritual. I am dealing with angels and devils, right and wrong, intrusive thoughts. I find it very tiring, and sometimes just plain stupid. But a lot of times I am surprised by the psychosis, a voice clear and plain, will reassure me of something that has been worrying me. This is a recent phenomenon. In the past, I was just harassed by evil spirits, or so I have come to believe... A friend of mine in London is of a similar opinion. She doesn't have schizophrenia, but she is highly spiritual in disposition, and a student of world religions. She thinks that schizophrenia may be a failure of our natural protection against the spirit world. I don't want to foster some delusion, so I just haven't really decided what I think it is. But I pray and I meditate a lot, and I think things are becoming easier, less chaotic, and as I say, sometimes the voices are really helpful and reassuring. Maybe my distress call has been received, I don't know. I hope so though, because it has been a really long haul. I have worked very patiently with my psychoses to untangle and demystify. The voices are often surprising and original, leading me to think they are not generated by my ailing brain, but are from elsewhere. Certainly I cannot own them. I don't know what it is. But it is large, organized and destructive, mostly. Sometimes kindly and helpful as of late. I hope I am experiencing a turn for the better for my efforts at maintaining sanity.
I went to university and studied painting. My favorite teacher is a great painter named Marvin Saltzman. You can google him. He has a website with photographs of his paintings. It is very good. I was kind of a mess at painting. I am very good at life drawing, but in painting I just was winging it. Painting to me is a pure pleasure, not work, and for that, I had to get jobs. I have enjoyed all of my jobs, and I managed to paint a little in my spare time. At university, I spent nearly all my time painting, it was a very happy interlude. But my paintings were large and messy and never came to much on the marketplace. I entered the Royal Academy's Summer Exhibition one year, only to find my painting relegated for pick up in an alley behind Piccadilly... So, I began to paint what I was seeing on trips to France, and this led to two nice paintings of a tree in front of a mausoleum that had been trained to grow in the shape of an enormous heart. I consider these two paintings my first real work and I actually liked them. But, as happens to some with schizophrenia, I threw them out, along with jewelry, books and nice clothes. I met one other schizophrenic with that problem at a hospital in Georgia. She said her husband knew she was sick every time she started throwing things out. I don't know what it is, maybe for me it's the voices. They are so disturbing, that I just want to clear the decks completely, as if it will simplify my mind. It never cleared away the voices though... I also smashed plenty of dishes and broke a couple of windows trying to find relief from the voices. Someday I hope an archeologist will find my treasured possessions and put them in a display. Maybe that is it, I just want, in the midst of this dreadful illness, to be found.
I am reading Out of Africa again. I first read it when I was in my twenties, after seeing the film, which I love, by the way. The translation was not very good and the book used the word 'nigger'. It was very rough. Then, when I moved to Los Angeles, I found a copy of it in the thrift store that was next to my apartment building. It was a great read, it was a translation associated with the film, there was a still from the film on the cover. Now, 17 years later, I am reading it again, this time a Penguin Modern Classic. I think it's a good translation. I am enjoying it immensely. I am no Karen Blixen, but I know what it is like to live abroad and love every minute of it. I love the stories she tells, the details of her life there, her intimate knowledge of the land and its people. Africa is a source of awe for me. I just think of the people there, living life without modern conveniences (I would be lost without my car for example, and I am in love with my Medicaid) boldly producing generation after generation in the sight of God alone. (I don't think I would have survived, as a child I had every illness there is.) Africa is to me the last frontier, and I often think of what I could do for her if I won the lottery. Food and medicine are my first thoughts. I think of how little attention Africa asks for, compared to the Middle East for example. And of the girls who were kidnapped in Nigeria. I hope they are returned soon. Bring back our girls!
Ok. I just took a thirty minute walk. I will take another one later today. It's nice to reminisce, but I have to make a life here, where I am, with schizophrenia. I had a wonderful life before I got ill, but that's all gone now. Now is where I am, living in a house with my brother, who also has schizophrenia, trying to get along. It feels good this walk, I worked up a sweat, heart is pounding, it's good. I love to write about the past because I have such good memories, but my therapist made a good point that it is making me unhappy with the present. So, today, I write about where I am. It's not a fun or as glamorous as the life I used to lead, but I am still me, and life is for the living.
I spent my happiest days in London. There, I got a bicycle and I rode it to work and back, after running a mile and a half, then, at lunch, with some girls from work, I would swim 175 laps in a larger than Olympic size pool. After work, I would take two aerobics classes. And three times a week yoga after that. It was really fun. I loved being so active, and seeing London by bicycle is a real treat. Close to the street, jostling with the double decker busses, it was a lovely time. I read a lot, made some films, saw friends on the weekends. I was really happy. Now, my life is much reduced. I wake up, have a cigarette, check the emails, log on to Facebook, check twitter, eat some oatmeal and go back to bed. Then I wake up, have another cigarette, have lunch, and sit back down to the computer for research, chat, this blog, whatever... I am now alone, all my friends are far away (hence the computer), and I see no one during the week at all. Although sometimes I have dinner with my Dad, which is nice. I guess what I'm saying is, try to appreciate good health when you have it, youth too. I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition, otherwise known as schizophrenia. It has really ruined my life. I am a typical schizophrenic, smoking, lonely... I would like to get back to a more active life but I honestly don't know how. I have failed so many times at trying to rebuild my life, ending up back in hospital. I will keep trying. I just think that even though I'm nearly 50 years old, I'm too young to just give up... I have to quit smoking, I'm trying to quit before my birthday in August. I need to lose weight (most medicine for schizophrenics causes significant weight gain). I don't know. Just something.
One of the hardest aspects of having schizophrenia, for me, is finding motivation. This symptom is classified as a negative symptom, and according to my psychiatrist, is part of a set of symptoms that is difficult to treat. I'm on Haldol, which I recently read online has a sedative effect and is not helpful to my lack of motivation. I recently was prescribed a low dose of Wellbutrin, which has helped to take the edge off of my constant depression, hence this blog. I would like to start exercising, just a couple of walks a day, but I find it impossible. I don't know why. I guess I just see it as futile and sitting at my computer all day is at least a learning experience. My psychiatrist has recommended that I start exercising. I guess I just see life as a hopeless routine of pills and sleep. Last summer and autumn, I took part in a yoga class on Sunday afternoons, and this had me feeling so good that I added walking during the week too. It was good, I lost ten pounds, felt good, positive, but then my yoga teacher quit. I tried taking yoga downtown, but it was too expensive, and they raised their prices too. I can do yoga by myself, I have had years of study of it in London, but again, I find it hard to motivate. I just continue to visit my computer and sleep off the drudgery. If anyone has any thoughts, I would appreciate sharing them. I really need to get up and go!
I came down with schizophrenia when I was 34 years old. I was happy in my marriage, my career was blossoming, everything seemed exciting. In less than a year, my marriage ended, my career ended, and I was in the hospital with a diagnosis of paranoid schizophrenia. It was devastating. Since then, I have gone back to school four times, and tried three jobs, just to end up in hospital every time. I gave up on trying to start a new life, a new career, and began to face facts. I am now on disability, which has given me some relief. But I find myself yearning for more. My every day is about the computer - facebook, chat and my blog. It kind of evolved out of poverty, I can't really afford to get out much and the computer was a good way to keep in touch with friends far away. But somehow, I need more. I would love to have a life with friends who call me up to do something, activities, I would like something to happen... I can't figure out what is going to happen next, or what should happen, what might happen. I am going to be 50 years old later this year, so I'm staring down old age. Maybe it's also because all my plans came crashing down, that I seem unable to effect change myself. I just would like something nice to happen for me. I don't know what it might be. But I'm ready for change.
When I first got ill, I was in Los Angeles, and it happened that I was reading a lot of books about Buddhism. Now, 16 years later, I am finding that a lot of the Buddhist teaching I was reading is very useful with my illness. The Dalai Lama speaks of mental hygiene, clearing the mind of undesirable thoughts. When you have schizophrenia, your mind is inundated with impure, undesirable thoughts and facing them one by one, with patience and fortitude, is a good way of breaking the cycle. I have found that since I have started working on my mind (and praying) that my delusions, voices and hallucinations have lessened considerably. It took about five years, and a lot of repetition, but I believe it is working... I went to a Buddhist meditation center in Los Angeles once, for sitting and walking meditation. A lot of the scripture was about demons, and most people with schizophrenia are well acquainted with "demons". I know I was really weary of the terrible intrusive thoughts and patterns that were occurring in my mind on a daily basis. Now, with careful dialogue, I have managed to become almost demon-free... Although the meditation session in Los Angeles was too much for me, all the talk of demons was a little frightening and confusing, I now see an improvement in my everyday well-being. I am very happy with my progress.
I can't decide whether I'm lonely or just alone... I had a wonderful marriage, with a real partner-oriented husband, and we did everything together. For the past 16 years I have been alone. Now I do everything alone, food shopping, eating out, everything. I am unable to decide though, whether or not another partner is a good idea. I think I have been alone for so long that I'm used to the solitude. It's kind of nice to be able to do whatever I want everyday. The only trouble is, I seem to be a bit short of ideas, I am stuck in a routine also... And when I'm out, I miss having someone to consult with, talk to, laugh with... And I think sometimes about how hugging is supposed to make you live longer and I don't have that... At night, I really miss someone to hold on to just before I fall asleep. When I allow myself to miss my marriage, I think about the possibility of a new partner. But I then can't imagine loving someone as much as I love Justin. So I am kind of stuck... It's not an urgent decision to be made, but I, in my resting moments, have resigned myself to a life alone, and it's not so bad... But I miss having a shopping and cooking partner, and a bedfellow. I would be disappointed if my new marriage was not as heavenly as it was with Ju. And it's not likely to be... So, upward and onward, on my own.
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