Cave Springs, October 2015. I'm still working on the voices and visions, but things have improved. I'm still taking my Latuda and Wellbutrin and Lipitor. The good news is I was able to paint a couple of days ago, and I feel hopeful.
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Bench, Cave Springs, October 2015. Still trying to stay calm and steady. Not sure why my medicine was "bumped off course", but I'm still taking it, waiting for a return to my own day, which I deserve. Haven't painted in a while, waiting until the voices and visions go away, The kind of painting I'm doing requires skill and patience, and I don't want to be distracted while I try to do it. This is the longest episode I have had since I have been steadily on medication. I'm disappointed to be experiencing this at all, especially for so long. My medicine was really working and was a God send.
I have been focusing as hard as I can on keeping a regular sleeping and eating schedule, which, for me, has been step number one for people suffering with schizophrenia. It's not easy. I have to constantly check the date and time, which usually I can commit to memory. I insist on keeping the date and time in my mind, because if I can't, I may end up in hospital again, which I don't deserve. I don't want to be put on a different medicine, for a start. i feel schizophrenia is a spiritual crisis, but I also accept that it is a chemical imbalance. I'm hoping to get back to normal so that I can visit my mother next month, which I have planned to do. If I'm too distracted and confused, I can't do it. I also have a day and time to meet a dear friend for lunch in April, it will be out of town, and I want to be able to make it safely. When I was not on medicine regularly, I used to go off on trips and end up out of gas, which is not something that I let happen usually, and I have to brave it generally, since I don't have a mobile phone for long distance emergency help, only a Safelink mobile phone for local calls only. I was glad to have been able to meet my friend for lunch in December, and I am hoping for that kind of stability and confidence to be returned to me. I feel I am fighting for my free will, which I deserve. I have to keep my daily activities and bank account in line, I'm feeling over-managed and I don't like to be in a position where I don't have control. I usually have a good idea of where I am financially, and because I have been waylaid by this episode, I am off my routine and budget schedule, my weekly cash allowance, which I get a receipt for, and which gives me freedom of choice and generally a happier lifestyle. I'm just trying to wait patiently until I get my mail, bank statement, bills, and my balance generally. I am very nervous that things aren't working the way they are supposed to. I know it is not just my imagination, but I have to insist on a proper reality. It has been 17 years of this illness, and I have done really well since I accepted my diagnosis - was properly informed of it - and given a specific treatment, which is medicine, a prescription, which I follow. I was told by a nurse that I would always have to take it, for the rest of my life, and I accept this, because I don't appreciate being ganged up on that I don't need it, by people who don't even know who I am or what I am doing. Cave Spring Road, October 2015. Having a horrible day. It's been a really long time, several days or weeks, since I have had peace and quiet and my own day. I know my medicine works, and I'm taking it, so I'm very upset that I'm having to deal with the voices and visions and other types of hallucinations. I refuse to change meds or go back to the hospital for another stay. I have had 11 hospital stays and many medicine changes and the Latuda and the Wellbutrin work very well. I am convinced that I have been pursued by people in the film and media industry. I am very upset as I left Los Angeles because of schizophrenia and have been living mostly with my parents , which is all I can actually manage, and I don't want to be disturbed. There were people I did not want to work with. When I was first very ill, I was very upset and I wanted to leave where I was living. I have been pursued ever since. I have tried to keep my sanity and I have had a very hard time doing that, but since 2009, when I was finally told of my diagnosis by the doctor who was treating me, I have been on medicine constantly and I have managed to find some stability. My life dramatically improved last year and I feel people are somehow upset with my life as I live it and pursue me. This is because there is no other logical explanation for what I have been put through, it may sound paranoid, but I don't think it is. But keeping myself online and writing this weblog is something I insist on being able to do.
I would like to be able to get back to my painting and my regular facebook, which is one of the treatments my cognitive behavioral therapist recommended. I also have a couple of friends or more that I enjoy seeing and talking to and writing to on facebook and I have to put them off while I try to deal with the noise and distractions. I'm glad to know that they are doing well when last I checked, but I can't communicate with them freely, or meet them the way I would like. It is very disappointing because I have been making such good progress, especially since the spring of 2015. My house and my possessions have been disturbed and some of my things are missing, and I feel taunted. It's hard because I have worked very hard to establish a routine way of life and I feel it's been ransacked. I feel too upset to do normal things like I have established in my routine for the week. The house needs cleaning, which I could do if I was not so distracted and tired and goaded. The problem is, the house is so messed up that we may need professional help to get it clean, which is upsetting. The voices want me to not take the medicine or keep my appointments and I'm just not going to do act like that. I'm trying to stay calm and it's increasingly difficult. I would for instance like to shower and put my hair up the way I prefer, but I can't because my things are missing and I just always know where my things are usually, I have checked my usual places and I'm quite habitual. I feel upset because I have been yanked through a non-smoking program and I didn't need it. I don't mind quitting smoking, I have done it before, but I just feel absolutely trapped. But i have to keep trying to stay to my routine and my schedule and my appointments. I have to insist on my actual treatments rather than be hijacked into another program. Garden in October. Trying to stay calm. Not feeling steady and back in my routine yet. Trying to just keep up with my posts here, as it is part of my therapy, my routine.
The Smoke Shop. I haven't kept track of the number of days, but I haven't smoked in several days now. I'm having a hard time with voices still, but am fighting to keep my schedule and my medicines and all that. It's very difficult. I have been so pleased with the Latuda and Wellbutrin combination and I want to stay with it. I just don't want to play around with meds while I'm having trouble with stability anyway. Hopefully it will settle down. I have had interruptions with my meds before, on Haldol too, but this is the longest episode I have had while on any medication and it's quite frustrating and nervewracking. I am having voices and visions and tactile hallucinations. It's not good. But I'm just doing my best. I take the meds and try to keep my schedule. This is all I can do.
Luckily, I am not upset about my food. So this helps me stay to a sane routine. My mother doesn't understand. She doesn't love routine, but I depend on it. Also, I love my diet sodas and she says I have too much, but I don't. It's hard. She keeps telling me to call the doctor, but the thing is I saw him last week. So I just want to try and stay as steady as possible until my next scheduled visit. She kind of drives me nuts about meds. I mean, I'm taking them, can't do more. I have been disturbed about the state of the earth, climate change, etc. Which I can do nothing about, you know? I mean I try to live a responsible life but I just don't have an answer. This free-floating anxiety about society and the planet and perfection is just really hard to manage. I feel upset about friends and relatives with unusual beliefs, astrology, channeling, manifesting gifts from the "universe" and stuff like that. I also feel a lot of distress about the passage of the past 17 years. I just feel absolutely waylaid by this illness, and I long to hear from dear friends. I have lost many of them for reasons I'm not sure of. I am still stressed out about my divorce. I mean, I accept it, but I still reserve my rights as the interrupted wife I was at the time. I am very sensitive about the concept of moving on. I am just fine, but I will not be having another relationship. I still feel obligated to my ex-husband, which I don't actually mind. He's nice and nice to think about. I remember being so glad after one hospitalisation, I was able to finally write about how much I loved him and how wonderful he was and is. It was such a nice release. So I'm kind of devoted to the thought of him and memories of our time together as a reference point, which I don't want to lose. It's like a handrail on a staircase. I just need it for balance. I have dropped friends who don't understand. I mean, it's just so lovely to have had a great love, and I just think it's part of what makes me nice to know. I"m older, and I have experience. This is what I am, it can't be changed. Tall Flat White. Having a hard time with voices, still. They want me to stop taking my meds and so on. I have been off schedule like this for a week and, in the past, this kind of problem leads to hospitalization. I'm trying to avoid that, as I have not been in hospital since 2009. Trying to keep that going. I really hate being off schedule like this. I am also a bit confused generally. I'm hoping it will get better. I can't figure out my appointments calendar. I don't understand my messages on the phone, stuff like that. Can't find phone numbers, things are not in the right place, or where I left them, stuff like that. I'm quite tired too, as the voices have been keeping me awake, though I had a couple of nice nights of sleep. It's weird, because my medicine usually keeps me on a good schedule, and feeling clear headed and quite happy. I depend on this feeling to go on.
I have to check if my paintings are dry. Hoping they will be. Looking forward to painting some more, and getting back to my routine generally. I'm feeling quite lucky that I have my Dad and my brother here in town. I am actually quite lonely and I don't know what to expect in the future. I have had episodes like this in the past, where I think about my life span, and I think I could live forever. I don't understand why that isn't the accepted way things are for everyone. I am tired of planning for the end of my life, not specific plans, but estimating how much time I have, and I think of my parents and I don't want them to die. Maybe I am thinking of all this because of the work we have been doing on my father's will. I am glad to think I'll be taken care of, but I would rather he be with us forever, and we just keep enjoying our lives. It's quite weird to think it won't happen that way. I am tired. My mind is over worked with thoughts of medical care generally, like my Mom's cataracts surgery. I don't understand why we don't heal without doctors, or indeed why we get ill in the first place. I am sure something strange is going on generally, with the voices and visions. It's hard to manage, and I feel I'm a victim. I'm trying to get my personality together so that I can have a nice life, and maybe things will improve here in town, I can get out more and maybe I'll see friends... I'm nervous. I just feel masses of time have passed with this stupid illness and that my own wishes and desires are not able to express themselves. I'm nervous. My computer has been acting weird. My facebook doesn't seem normal, I am used to my friends posts, and it has been very strange to look at, hard to describe. I see people in the house that I can't quite identify, but they seem like people I should know. I'm so upset that this disease has descended on my life, and that I'm not with my dear sweet husband in our little flat or wherever, snuggling under the covers. I'm hoping this episode will pass and I can get back to reality and a happy schedule. I don't know how this disease happened, but I don't think it's my imagination. I feel a bit stalked, actually. I would like to have a happier life altogether, and it would be nice to have some continuity, but I guess I can't ask for the moon. I don't know. I feel my life story is a bit surreal, I don't know why I was struck with this disease. I was just so wildly happy with my husband. It's totally bizarre how much pain and horror this disease has caused me. I just would like to have my life back again somehow. It's very difficult to negotiate. I'm confused. Kure Beach, November 2015. I am trying to quit smoking. I'm finding it not that hard so far. But I am having a terrible time with voices. I find it really hard to sleep or do anything normal. I believe I have been attacked by a photographer I used to know in Los Angeles. It's a persistent feeling, It's his voice i hear and I just feel very put upon. I actually complained about this to my first Doctor when I was hospitalised in Los Angeles in 1999. I think I was labelled paranoid, but I don't think I'm paranoid. My last hospital doctor didn't think I was paranoid - or at least he didn't put it in the notes. In any case, I am a day late with this post and I'm uncomfortable generally.
I'm still waiting for my paintings to dry, although that is the thing I need to check on. I'm trying to avoid fingerprints. I have painted the edges, and I have fingerprints on them, which I would like to avoid. I'm finding it hard to wait, but it shouldn't be this hard. I mean, I like what I'm doing, and I would like to get back to it, but I feel a bit like I'm lacking something to say. I have therapy in an hour and I"m just kind of thinking about that, trying to watch the time. A bit annoyed that I wasn't able to post yesterday. So I'm off my stride generally, Hopefully, things will calm down and I can write a bit more. |
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