Tall Flat White. Having a hard time with voices, still. They want me to stop taking my meds and so on. I have been off schedule like this for a week and, in the past, this kind of problem leads to hospitalization. I'm trying to avoid that, as I have not been in hospital since 2009. Trying to keep that going. I really hate being off schedule like this. I am also a bit confused generally. I'm hoping it will get better. I can't figure out my appointments calendar. I don't understand my messages on the phone, stuff like that. Can't find phone numbers, things are not in the right place, or where I left them, stuff like that. I'm quite tired too, as the voices have been keeping me awake, though I had a couple of nice nights of sleep. It's weird, because my medicine usually keeps me on a good schedule, and feeling clear headed and quite happy. I depend on this feeling to go on.
I have to check if my paintings are dry. Hoping they will be. Looking forward to painting some more, and getting back to my routine generally. I'm feeling quite lucky that I have my Dad and my brother here in town. I am actually quite lonely and I don't know what to expect in the future. I have had episodes like this in the past, where I think about my life span, and I think I could live forever. I don't understand why that isn't the accepted way things are for everyone. I am tired of planning for the end of my life, not specific plans, but estimating how much time I have, and I think of my parents and I don't want them to die. Maybe I am thinking of all this because of the work we have been doing on my father's will. I am glad to think I'll be taken care of, but I would rather he be with us forever, and we just keep enjoying our lives. It's quite weird to think it won't happen that way. I am tired. My mind is over worked with thoughts of medical care generally, like my Mom's cataracts surgery. I don't understand why we don't heal without doctors, or indeed why we get ill in the first place. I am sure something strange is going on generally, with the voices and visions. It's hard to manage, and I feel I'm a victim. I'm trying to get my personality together so that I can have a nice life, and maybe things will improve here in town, I can get out more and maybe I'll see friends... I'm nervous. I just feel masses of time have passed with this stupid illness and that my own wishes and desires are not able to express themselves. I'm nervous. My computer has been acting weird. My facebook doesn't seem normal, I am used to my friends posts, and it has been very strange to look at, hard to describe. I see people in the house that I can't quite identify, but they seem like people I should know. I'm so upset that this disease has descended on my life, and that I'm not with my dear sweet husband in our little flat or wherever, snuggling under the covers. I'm hoping this episode will pass and I can get back to reality and a happy schedule. I don't know how this disease happened, but I don't think it's my imagination. I feel a bit stalked, actually. I would like to have a happier life altogether, and it would be nice to have some continuity, but I guess I can't ask for the moon. I don't know. I feel my life story is a bit surreal, I don't know why I was struck with this disease. I was just so wildly happy with my husband. It's totally bizarre how much pain and horror this disease has caused me. I just would like to have my life back again somehow. It's very difficult to negotiate. I'm confused.
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