This year is going by so fast - Christmas in a week... I worry a little about this because I think maybe I'm too medicated, that I should have more experiences to remember, to mark the time with. This year I don't have many memories, just a really hard hike in April and my Stepmother coming home from the hospital in July after six months. There was my 50th birthday of course, in August. But mostly I remember a slow and steady improvement in taking care of myself. That is this year's achievement. I have started taking a walk every day and I have started to try and get my gym thing going. My New Year's resolution is to lose weight and get in shape. But somehow, time seems to be leaving me standing. I don't know whether it's the lack of friends, or my up and down mental health. I am not making memories, even if I have made some progress... I did leave a note on the neighborhood Facebook page to let me know if anyone is interested in Christmas caroling this year... So far no takers. I remember having a great time caroling in our neighborhood in Italy, when we were stationed there by the Army. I thought I would give it a try here, this was kind of important for me as I am very shy, especially now with schizophrenia. Tonight I finally have clicked to attend a Nami support group meeting, but it wasn't happening, I was the only one who showed up. I also haven't been able to hook up with my volunteering at the Gilbert Theater - the one night I had a chance to help, the road was shut down and I like the safety of parking by the door, so I had to turn around and come home. I guess the point is I am trying, which is new. I have been curled up in bed for so many years my muscles have atrophied and my health generally is down. But I am now making an effort. That's something...
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Well I am finally settling in... I have happiness, thanks in part to my wellbutrin, and I have my disability to keep the wolf from the door, I have a comfortable home and for as long as I can see, both of my parents... I talked to my mom tonight on the phone and she was encouraging me to get out more and maybe meet Mr. Right... She said she believed my best days were ahead of me... I find this hard to buy. Not that I'm a misery-guts, but I was just so fabulously happy before schizophrenia and I really loved and still love my ex-husband. I still can't imagine being more suited to anyone else. He really was perfect for me. I was in heaven with him. I am happy now too, though, and I am still discovering new things in life of interest. I am trying to exercise more, I am fairly determined to lose some of my extra weight (damn antipsychotics!) and I like the way my daily walk is fitting into my routine. I have come a long way in a year. I attribute this to Medicaid, because it means I can now have therapy, and this is wonderful. It's someone to talk to every couple of weeks and she keeps away the cobwebs in my mind. I have started to bathe regularly again, brush my teeth again and today I put on lipstick. I have started to exercise regularly too. All of this is really a major improvement. I was a hermit before and almost bedridden from my medication and my episodes... I still have episodes and have even developed a new one - a really intense 3-day bender, during which I don't eat and don't sleep and end up in tears... But I'm so happy to be taking better care of myself that I can't really complain too much. In fact, I don't want to tell my psychiatrist about the 3-day episodes because I'm afraid she will change my medicine and I am really trying to work with what I've got. I have tried most of the meds out there and I finally have a combination I can tolerate. I don't want to lose that. My therapist is good, but like her predecessor she's a bit weak on schizophrenia. She keeps thinking that with positive treatment I will be cured. I find this just slightly irritating, but maybe I should keep my chin up anyway. It would be lovely to be cured. I really liked my mind before I was ill... Though I will say that, with time, I have probably become a better friend. I have grown up, I am less nervous and less controversial. This is a welcome change.
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June 2017
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