Cave Spring Road, October 2015. Having a horrible day. It's been a really long time, several days or weeks, since I have had peace and quiet and my own day. I know my medicine works, and I'm taking it, so I'm very upset that I'm having to deal with the voices and visions and other types of hallucinations. I refuse to change meds or go back to the hospital for another stay. I have had 11 hospital stays and many medicine changes and the Latuda and the Wellbutrin work very well. I am convinced that I have been pursued by people in the film and media industry. I am very upset as I left Los Angeles because of schizophrenia and have been living mostly with my parents , which is all I can actually manage, and I don't want to be disturbed. There were people I did not want to work with. When I was first very ill, I was very upset and I wanted to leave where I was living. I have been pursued ever since. I have tried to keep my sanity and I have had a very hard time doing that, but since 2009, when I was finally told of my diagnosis by the doctor who was treating me, I have been on medicine constantly and I have managed to find some stability. My life dramatically improved last year and I feel people are somehow upset with my life as I live it and pursue me. This is because there is no other logical explanation for what I have been put through, it may sound paranoid, but I don't think it is. But keeping myself online and writing this weblog is something I insist on being able to do.
I would like to be able to get back to my painting and my regular facebook, which is one of the treatments my cognitive behavioral therapist recommended. I also have a couple of friends or more that I enjoy seeing and talking to and writing to on facebook and I have to put them off while I try to deal with the noise and distractions. I'm glad to know that they are doing well when last I checked, but I can't communicate with them freely, or meet them the way I would like. It is very disappointing because I have been making such good progress, especially since the spring of 2015. My house and my possessions have been disturbed and some of my things are missing, and I feel taunted. It's hard because I have worked very hard to establish a routine way of life and I feel it's been ransacked. I feel too upset to do normal things like I have established in my routine for the week. The house needs cleaning, which I could do if I was not so distracted and tired and goaded. The problem is, the house is so messed up that we may need professional help to get it clean, which is upsetting. The voices want me to not take the medicine or keep my appointments and I'm just not going to do act like that. I'm trying to stay calm and it's increasingly difficult. I would for instance like to shower and put my hair up the way I prefer, but I can't because my things are missing and I just always know where my things are usually, I have checked my usual places and I'm quite habitual. I feel upset because I have been yanked through a non-smoking program and I didn't need it. I don't mind quitting smoking, I have done it before, but I just feel absolutely trapped. But i have to keep trying to stay to my routine and my schedule and my appointments. I have to insist on my actual treatments rather than be hijacked into another program.
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