The Smoke Shop. I haven't kept track of the number of days, but I haven't smoked in several days now. I'm having a hard time with voices still, but am fighting to keep my schedule and my medicines and all that. It's very difficult. I have been so pleased with the Latuda and Wellbutrin combination and I want to stay with it. I just don't want to play around with meds while I'm having trouble with stability anyway. Hopefully it will settle down. I have had interruptions with my meds before, on Haldol too, but this is the longest episode I have had while on any medication and it's quite frustrating and nervewracking. I am having voices and visions and tactile hallucinations. It's not good. But I'm just doing my best. I take the meds and try to keep my schedule. This is all I can do.
Luckily, I am not upset about my food. So this helps me stay to a sane routine. My mother doesn't understand. She doesn't love routine, but I depend on it. Also, I love my diet sodas and she says I have too much, but I don't. It's hard. She keeps telling me to call the doctor, but the thing is I saw him last week. So I just want to try and stay as steady as possible until my next scheduled visit. She kind of drives me nuts about meds. I mean, I'm taking them, can't do more. I have been disturbed about the state of the earth, climate change, etc. Which I can do nothing about, you know? I mean I try to live a responsible life but I just don't have an answer. This free-floating anxiety about society and the planet and perfection is just really hard to manage. I feel upset about friends and relatives with unusual beliefs, astrology, channeling, manifesting gifts from the "universe" and stuff like that. I also feel a lot of distress about the passage of the past 17 years. I just feel absolutely waylaid by this illness, and I long to hear from dear friends. I have lost many of them for reasons I'm not sure of. I am still stressed out about my divorce. I mean, I accept it, but I still reserve my rights as the interrupted wife I was at the time. I am very sensitive about the concept of moving on. I am just fine, but I will not be having another relationship. I still feel obligated to my ex-husband, which I don't actually mind. He's nice and nice to think about. I remember being so glad after one hospitalisation, I was able to finally write about how much I loved him and how wonderful he was and is. It was such a nice release. So I'm kind of devoted to the thought of him and memories of our time together as a reference point, which I don't want to lose. It's like a handrail on a staircase. I just need it for balance. I have dropped friends who don't understand. I mean, it's just so lovely to have had a great love, and I just think it's part of what makes me nice to know. I"m older, and I have experience. This is what I am, it can't be changed.
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