Bench, Cave Springs, October 2015. Still trying to stay calm and steady. Not sure why my medicine was "bumped off course", but I'm still taking it, waiting for a return to my own day, which I deserve. Haven't painted in a while, waiting until the voices and visions go away, The kind of painting I'm doing requires skill and patience, and I don't want to be distracted while I try to do it. This is the longest episode I have had since I have been steadily on medication. I'm disappointed to be experiencing this at all, especially for so long. My medicine was really working and was a God send.
I have been focusing as hard as I can on keeping a regular sleeping and eating schedule, which, for me, has been step number one for people suffering with schizophrenia. It's not easy. I have to constantly check the date and time, which usually I can commit to memory. I insist on keeping the date and time in my mind, because if I can't, I may end up in hospital again, which I don't deserve. I don't want to be put on a different medicine, for a start. i feel schizophrenia is a spiritual crisis, but I also accept that it is a chemical imbalance. I'm hoping to get back to normal so that I can visit my mother next month, which I have planned to do. If I'm too distracted and confused, I can't do it. I also have a day and time to meet a dear friend for lunch in April, it will be out of town, and I want to be able to make it safely. When I was not on medicine regularly, I used to go off on trips and end up out of gas, which is not something that I let happen usually, and I have to brave it generally, since I don't have a mobile phone for long distance emergency help, only a Safelink mobile phone for local calls only. I was glad to have been able to meet my friend for lunch in December, and I am hoping for that kind of stability and confidence to be returned to me. I feel I am fighting for my free will, which I deserve. I have to keep my daily activities and bank account in line, I'm feeling over-managed and I don't like to be in a position where I don't have control. I usually have a good idea of where I am financially, and because I have been waylaid by this episode, I am off my routine and budget schedule, my weekly cash allowance, which I get a receipt for, and which gives me freedom of choice and generally a happier lifestyle. I'm just trying to wait patiently until I get my mail, bank statement, bills, and my balance generally. I am very nervous that things aren't working the way they are supposed to. I know it is not just my imagination, but I have to insist on a proper reality. It has been 17 years of this illness, and I have done really well since I accepted my diagnosis - was properly informed of it - and given a specific treatment, which is medicine, a prescription, which I follow. I was told by a nurse that I would always have to take it, for the rest of my life, and I accept this, because I don't appreciate being ganged up on that I don't need it, by people who don't even know who I am or what I am doing.
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