I am tired. I have been reading Krishnamurti's "Total Freedom" and have been using what I learn from it to analyse myself by reading my journals. My journals have been mostly about my ex-husband, who I miss very much. A couple of years ago I threw out about thirty of these journals. But my last journal was a departure from that 'woe is me' content to a breathless expression of gratitude for all I have to appreciate in my life. I think I was, in that journal, mentally escaping from the fact that I am not as happy now as I was when I was normal. Of course it is helpful to appreciate the good things in one's immediate situation, but my writing was desperate for change and full of unrealizable plans. So I finished that notebook with a postlogue. I wrote that I am not as happy as I was when I was normal, that schizophrenia is dark and dismal and full of despair. It is. As Krishnamurti might have predicted, there is peace in facing facts. "Total Freedom" is a good book for bringing a global view of circumstance into focus. This is helpful for me. When I don't deny the schizophrenia, but look at the world as a schizophrenic, there are avenues of commonality with people everywhere.
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