Well, I am making real progress in putting my past in perspective. One of the themes of my hallucinations is a very punishing view on my former life, in every aspect. I try and pay attention to my hallucinations and voices now that I'm on meds and they are (for now) more manageable. I think a lot about the content and I spend a lot of hours very patiently but determinedly defending myself. But I never really forgave myself for some of the issues that came up and I realized this week that just like everybody else, I was doing the best I could at the time. I still cringe at some of my behaviors. But I did gain some ground with forgiveness. I have learned that - now that I'm on meds - I can talk to my voices and hallucinations and make some headway toward peace. It has taken nearly five years, to notice a change, but I do see a change. I still have scary, mean, threatening voices and hallucinations sometimes though. And my head blows up with messages sometimes when I am on the computer. I just get a very bad feeling and slow down a lot as the voices come in. But I am at home, so I can just quit what I'm doing if waiting it out doesn't help. I am in a medium mood. not as happy as I can be, but not totally down, which is good. But it's hard this mood, it's expectant. I realize I have a medical exam next week that I am worried about, so maybe this is it. I just don't talk a lot to anybody because I never see anybody, so sometimes it is hard to know what's on my mind. My therapist is good with this. She just keeps on asking me questions and I have to come up with the answer, it's good exercise... I would like to have more people in my life to talk with and listen to though. My Haldol makes for a very dull conversational aptitude and I'm self conscious about this. I just don't have a lot to say. But in a way, this is good. I have to think of things to say instead of talking off the top of my head like I did, sometimes to my regret, when I was young. I notice when I am chatting on the schizophrenia chat page that I have developed a better listening capacity and I am a lot more empathetic than I was when I was younger. I just didn't have much experience with setbacks then. Schizophrenia is a great leveler. I notice that when I do chat on the page, my questions and answers are personal and real. I don't know, but maybe I am more likeable now for that new depth. I am older and I have been through a lot of loss and disappointment. I just understand more. I think that comes with experience, this new understanding. And it gives me a lot of peace. I used to be worried all the time when I was younger and this made me nervous and unsure. I am still a little afraid, but I have a life now that I understand. I am no longer facing a limitless future. But if asked, I still feel the world is my oyster, like I did when I was younger. I no longer want to travel, I don't have any plans to be excited about, but I have a home, enough money for food and a twenty year old car that still runs. So, life is generally good. Now if I can just make it through my colonoscopy...
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