I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I am always a bit happier and a bit more hopeful. Maybe it's just that it's the holiday season. I bought my Christmas cards a couple of weeks ago and I made a big decision. My late former Mother-in-law used to frown heavily on any Christmas card that did not picture the Virgin and Christ. So, for all these years I have been buying Madonna and Child cards... But this year I am sending a modern, designer's illustration card, with nice thoughts on it. I hope it will be generally welcome. I love sending Christmas cards. I like to make sure that friends and family are contacted every year. I never get any back, or rarely anyway, but it is still fun to do. I make a cup of something hot to drink, and sit down with a fresh pen and my address book. When I lived in London I used to get many Christmas cards from friends and family and I strung them above the mantel piece. If you are just starting out and don't have tree decorations, they can also be hung on the tree... Well, it has been a bumpy week. I have had episodes and lethargy, but for some reason, today I am having another good day like the one I had about three weeks ago. I am lucid, not low on energy, and ready for action, generally. It is a wonderful feeling after so many years of crazy or medicated haziness... I have lost a little weight, but it's awfully slow going. I want to lose quite a lot of weight, at least 50 pounds. But some progress is welcome... I have been beginning to let go of my ex-husband in my mind. It has been 16 years, so this is, at last, a welcome change. I would love to talk to him about how the divorce was not his fault, but by now I have finally figured that if he had real problems with it, we would have talked. So very slowly I am starting to look up and around at present-day reality. I still think it was massively unfair to have been struck down with schizophrenia such that I ended my marriage, but I think about that aspect less now and more love and good feelings come through. I thought this time would never come. Like my voices or hallucinations, the repetitive, relentless thought cycle of how bad it was kept coming to my mind almost all day long. But now I have free time and the inclination to see what else I can turn my attention to. This is really nice for me and a welcome change.
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