It was a lovely autumn day today. It really reminded me of Chapel Hill, the town where I went to college. I thought of my friends there and what we used to do on days like this. They have all gone on to have successful lives and I am here, life in tatters, on disability. I am not jealous, I just feel a bit under dressed. I think I could probably explain to them what happened, but we are not that close anymore and actually, I hate explaining. I just loved being married to my husband so much and was so happy, that now I just feel like hibernating permanently from the world. I don't want friends, I don't want a new relationship, I just want to be. I have my routine, breakfast, golden girls, nap, lunch, the archers, call mom, dinner, bed. If I'm not pressed into thinking about it, I like this routine. Pressed, I just think it's sad and I could have done so much more with my life if it weren't for schizophrenia. The truth is, it's all I can handle, this routine, the medicines have me slower and sluggish in my thinking and for some reason, probably to do with the Haldol, I need a lot of sleep. I fought this for a long time, but if I'm tired, the voices are worse and last longer. So I sleep and eat. Sometimes if I'm feeling good I take a walk. Both of my doctors want me to exercise more and lose weight. I am trying, to some modest success. Now that the weather is cooler, a walk is nice... But I have worries about the future. I don't want to mess up and lose my home, I have to look out for myself and my brother who also has schizophrenia but doesn't take his medicine, when I can only manage the bare minimum in taking care of myself... It's a lot to take on when you have schizophrenia. In my youthful, healthy days I would have seen nothing at all stressful about these responsibilities, but the disability is so small and I have a fear of unexpected expenses turning us out of our home. Living with this fear is pretty miserable. I don't have the success and sunny confidence I used to have. I have lost everything to schizophrenia, including my ability and desire to paint and to make films. I lost my marriage, my chance at motherhood, my golden years are already for years now upon me, and it's just doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I am grateful for the care I receive, but I wanted more for my life... I wanted a family of my own, people to love and care for, all the things people do in life. I just don't have this wealth. I long for life to be finished sometimes. I can't see the point of carrying on alone. But it's not over yet. I keep hoping for some kind of happy event to happen to spice up the routine. But it's just coffees alone and eating alone and sleeping alone, waking alone. I just had so much more going for me...
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