Well, I had to rewrite my last post twice because of a bug in the system. In the end I quit trying. Only half of my post shows up here... I am in the mood to have a good phone call with someone, but my English friends have gone to bed and I already talked to my mom and no one else I know. But at least I'm in the mood... Usually I am not in the mood for a chat with anyone at night, I am just online or writing in my journal... I went to therapy today and I have to say I really have a good therapist, after years of trial and error with others. She keeps me talking with questions the whole hour, so I don't have to come up with the same complaints every week on my own. I always leave feeling something has happened. This is new and very nice... I wore lipstick today, put on some makeup, just for no reason, but this is another new phenomenon. For about four years I suffered really badly from negative symptoms, particularly poor hygiene. I showered only once a month and went sometimes a week before brushing my teeth. (This is unusual for me, I mean I used to be a cheerleader if that illustrates the difference.) Schizophrenia is a tough, weird illness. I get really tired of it. There are lots of ups and downs in it, but one is so drugged up one doesn't feel it. But the therapy I have had in the past year has been really helpful. I started showering every week, brushing my teeth every day, I started a yoga class, lost weight, started to walk for 30 minutes every day. These are big changes. I still have my episodes every week and I still sleep too many hours of the day because of the drugs (and because of the episodes). But I have definitely improved. It is really nice. I used to get panic attacks every week, but now I only get anxiety once or twice a week. So, though I hesitate to say things are getting better - there is a lot of two steps forward one step back - improvement has found it's way in. I still have to keep it up, this is an effort, but I must be getting rewards. I had a relapse last winter, but I pulled out of it by spring and have had a pretty good run since then. I kind of hate to write about it too much, I don't want it to go away.
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June 2017
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