California Roll, Maguro. I'm still going strong after my recent bout with pneumonia. I have had it before and I am always on guard after I finish the antibiotics that I don't have a relapse. It's just such a debilitating thing to have go wrong.
Tonight I broke out my birthday money, from my Dad and his wife, for a plate of sushi. It was delicious and a welcome change from eating in all the time. I saw my therapist yesterday and she started in on me moving again, and I just said if I won the lottery I would eventually move my brother and myself to Los Angeles. But I thought about it on the way home and I thought, I really don't need to move to Los Angeles. I loved my time there, but I have really quite settled in here, after many years of turmoil, and I think of it as home. I have everything I need and I am safe. I realised I have kind of anchored myself here, it's my family's home since I was in middle school and we always come back here, I have discovered. When I was young I really wanted to leave and discover the world, which I did. I did not expect to come back here again, ever, and even winced at visits. But this place has really saved me. I am known at all my local shops, I don't get lost or stuck in endless traffic. I would like more local friends, but I wave to my neighbors and speak occasionally. It's just kind of as good as it gets. I'm not nest feathering anymore, so all the great thrift stores in Los Angeles would just go on without me even if I lived there. There is something fantastic about all the talent there, and I loved that. But I am getting older now and I am just kind of happy with a cup of chai and my computer, here at home. One thing I have seen is that there are fantastic people everywhere, including here. I appreciate that a lot. I was talking to my Mom about this last night, and just wondering why is it that my therapist wants to "chivvy me along" - get me to move somewhere and get a job as if I were 28 years old and did not have schizophrenia. I don't think she has much experience with the truly mentally ill. Just the slightly disenchanted I think. I mean, I lost everything, I failed endlessly at countless comeback plans because of schizophrenia. If it were just as simple as getting a job and moving on, I assure you I have already thought of that. No, for me living here is the answer to a long and complicated equation. I really have tried other things and have come up with Disability and living here with my schizophrenic brother as the logical answer. It's good actually. I am with family, my immediate needs are met and my medical needs are met - all of which I could not take care of myself with any job I might have been able to land here. It's less money than I ever thought I could live on, but my Dad put me on a budget and it works. Plus, with medication I no longer shop for clothes or get my hair done. Nothing really excites me like that anymore. Which is fine, I did that all when I was younger and I enjoyed it then. I don't know what may happen next, of course, and maybe this is what my therapist is aiming at. Staying responsive and flexible. But as my Mom and I discussed last night, for a schizophrenic I am very very lucky to have a place to live and people who care. Many many don't have this. This is kind of what my therapist misses, I think. I have been all over the world after all, and if it were making something happen, if that were possible, I would be doing it. I am just trying to envision my future here, in this house, with my brother. I am putting all my energy into that. Learning about the maintenance of the house is paramount. It's a big responsibility and it's not just me I'm looking after. This is it.
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