Foosball at the Pier. I scored one goal... It's kind of an adjustment couple of weeks. I have had a lot of exciting things happen - visiting family and friends, new car, new oil paint. I kind of need to settle down into a routine again. I do quite well with that. But I have to say, it has been nice being able to think on my feet while around other people. My mind is still in that mode, even though I am not seeing anyone much. It's making it hard to concentrate on my painting, although to be fair, I am running out of space and have to wait for the ones I have already done to dry before I start more. It's cold in the garage where I paint, and I think that is slowing the drying process. I used to paint large and more in glazes, which dried much more quickly. I am a bit critical of my paintings, I want to get better at them. This requires a very steady hand and careful mixing of colors. This is new for me and I'm a little embarrassed at my first efforts, lol. But as I get on with them and hopefully improve, I can go back and correct the early ones. These paintings have to be kind of as perfect as I can make them, otherwise they fail. It's good for discipline and focus.
I found a photography club in town and I have been accepted as a member. It is a "meetup" club and there are many of them found online. This is kind of a revelation for me. I have googled around for years, checked the newspapers, and found nothing but AA, Overeaters Anonymous and Divorce Care. There was a photography club I looked into back in 2011, but I was too paranoid to handle the meetings, which were downtown and at night. That club has kind of fallen off the map. I actually went to a Divorce Care meeting about ten years ago and it was confusing. They showed a driver's education film. I didn't get it. We didn't talk to each other, we just watched the film. I didn't go back. I'm happy to have been accepted at this photography club though - I was fearing a background check and I do have some arrest records from a few years ago when I was having a hard time with schizophrenia and medicine. I don't mind explaining my illness, but there is more often than not, no more discussion after a background check. I lost an interview at Macy's because of that. I was applying to work in Visual Display, dressing mannequins and so on. It's a job I have experience in and my MTV award really pumped up my application. I had two interviews, but was not called in for the third and final interview, which was with the boss. I think it would have been too hard for me to have that job. It was part-time, working with one other person. I was just kind of taken aback by the kind of hyper energy I noticed from the people who interviewed me. I was medicated (Haldol) and a bit slow and it was hard to muster a smile and to sit up straight and all that. I felt permanently, then, as if I had just woken up and hadn't had my coffee yet. I certainly wasn't ready at that time for an 8am start. But as it was rare for me to get an interview, I was kind of disappointed that I didn't make the selection to the final interview. I had to face the reality that schizophrenia had damaged my prospects of ever finding work again. I miss being desirable, happy, uncomplicated, hirable. Because of schizophrenia I had kind of made the wrong kind of fame for myself. It means I have to be more creative and self assured as I continue in life. Also, I have to remember that I am actually too old for most jobs, which is hard enough to overcome. My best bet is maybe volunteering somewhere once a week, or pursuing music video again, which I think is too hard for me now. With volunteering, I am realising that it's easier to explain my illness and my reasoning, whereas if I'm expecting to be paid, I'm just not wanted. I will see how I do over the coming months with periodic episodes and mood swings and paranoia generally. I actually wanted a close-up of the foosball men. They still have faces. I thought of it at the time, but being medicated I have to be really much more sensitive than I have been to my subtler thoughts. The medication kind of manages emotions, and in the past, my enthusiasm would have got me the shot. I'm kind of starting all over again in photography and painting and I'm trying to learn to pay attention to myself and to make a real effort every time and this takes a level of focus that I have to really dig deep for, in spite of the medication.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2017
|