Martha Jane's, Cave Spring, Georgia. I have spent two or three days online at a tarot card site just writing about the actual content of my schizophrenic episodes. I did this to look at, for the first time, what actually happened, what I actually think, and I am still wanting to be careful about drawing any conclusions, because I don't want to create a delusion. All of this was brought about because I have agreed to appear in a documentary about schizophrenia, and three of the questions they want to ask are, why do schizophrenics suffer, what are your thoughts on God, and what do you think about love. These are big questions, and I have never gone into the details of my experience with a therapist. The tarot card site is question and answer so it feels like I'm actually talking to someone, and for a machine, it seems to respond with interpretations that are not that far off base. I'm a little afraid of the arcane, but it does deal with themes of my psychosis, including the Devil and other archetypes, which I kind of try to avoid getting into usually. These themes I am dealing with are religious and profane, and tarot cards include that kind of idea. I can do it anonymously and I can do it all day, which is what I did. I started from my first voice, which happened when i was about 6 months old, until the present day.
i actually feel I was struck down by Satan, kind of like Job in the Bible. But I am not sure that I want to focus on that so much for the film. I may mention it, but I want to leave it open what happened. One reason is, I may be addressing schizophrenics who have had similar experiences and I don't want to trigger them. But I accept that hearing similar stories from another schizophrenic can be helpful and even reassuring. One guy in Ireland I chatted with has a very similar experience with the Devil. He seemed to know and was calm about it, quite matter of fact. It's just that I spend a lot of time online with other schizophrenics, and I try to be more of a listener than a talker. I realised that I wasn't sure I had much to say. I mean it does actually hurt me to think about answers to those questions, and I avoid that pain as much as I can in my daily life and in all my dealings. I don't think I have ever been on film before except for a brief interview in Japan about work. I mean, I am not sure I want to commit to presenting myself and my experience and my thoughts about it with my face. I don't want to make myself famous as a nut, you know? Happy holidays to everyone. Have a wonderful season. I'll be back on Sunday.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
Archives
June 2017
|