Brandt Lane 2016. The voices have settled down now to an occasional whisper throughout the day, which I can stand. It's a kind of therapy my brain has invented. This voice is that of a former friend and he is nice to me. He even said he would buy me lunch next time I'm in New York, lol. It's nice, very nice, but I have to keep reminding myself of reality. After so many years of horrible, hypercritical, mean voices, it's lovely to have this tamer mind. I really kind of appreciate it. It's hard to believe that my mind is so inventive, like every morning this voice will give me a color to think of for the day, it's a little game. It's nice and I never expect it, it just happens. I kind of love this voice and I don't know what will happen when he's gone too, like the others.
I'm reading a perfectly horrible book on psychoanalysis, recommended by my friend Sophie. It's called Why Do Women Write More Letters Than They Post. The book so far - I'm more than halfway through it - is almost entirely about men, and, though I have learned a couple of things I didn't know, what I have mostly noticed is that psychoanalysts know almost nothing about women at all. Much is made of female sexuality in this book, but mostly it's about women denying themselves this aspect of life. I can't understand why these analysts don't actually deal with the fact of childbirth in women's lives because it completely dominates the female mental landscape for so many years. The subject is untouched in this book so far, bar a brief, unexplored mention of a case of a woman who desperately tried to convince her married daughter not to become a mother. Instead, there is much made of penis envy and the electra complex, in which a girl is thought to be in love with her father. I'm going to finish this wretched book, but it does deliver my worst fears about having psychoanalysis, which seems to say that you are fucked up beyond all repair. It quotes Seneca, who said you will be "led by fate, or fate will drag you". Thanks tons. Not. I mean, I am a bit skewered by this book, which I am reading to try and understand why I left my husband nearly twenty years ago, because of meeting a very powerful other man, a hopeless event, but inspiring nonetheless. I still don't know why I would leave everything I had ever wanted for complete solitude, which is what I did. I just wonder. I mean I usually blame schizophrenia for my divorce, but I should confess that this other man did remind me of my father. God. You know? Meanwhile, I have two other books I am reading, a photography-for-dummies book, which I and my friendly voice are enjoying together - he explains things I don't understand to me. Weird! And I am reading my Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind book too, which I quite enjoy and find a bit challenging. On balance, though, I get much more real instruction and pleasure from the dharma talks by Pema Chodron, the Buddhist nun. She is just so wonderfully experienced at Western life and culture. She really knows how to speak so that you can incorporate what she's saying into your life and relate to it. I have really weathered a lot of storms in my mind and in life because of having read her books. I recommend them especially to anyone, really, but certainly a schizophrenic. Start with The Wisdom of No Escape, then try When Things Fall Apart or Start Where You Are. Total genius, so warm and well written and full of love. I haven't started painting my paintings again yet, but I did do an incredible thing. I actually went and got the paint for the walls I damaged in the house, because of hearing voices, and painted them. I can't believe I actually did it. This has been weighing on my to-do list for like, nearly a decade. It's wonderful to have it done and I now have nice clean walls to hang my completed paintings on. It's so weird and nice to see my idea start appearing as a reality all around the house. It was easy and fun and I can't believe it's finally done. Next weekend I will invite my neighbor for coffee, probably Sunday afternoon. She has asked to see my paintings and I will hopefully have them hung by then. I have laid them all out on the floor of the garage/studio. They're fine, just exactly what I had in mind, and I can see that I really improved from the first one to the last of 30. I'm pleased with my colors and I can't even remember how I got them, but I have nine new colors waiting for me and so I will do at least twenty more of these paintings before the end of the year. After that, I might actually attempt something larger, a "real" painting, as opposed to a small color study, which is what these are.
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