I have been quite reflective as of late about all the years I have had of awkward social situations, being nervous, overcompensating. I decided that much of what I say in real life to people has it's origin somewhere other than my own mind. I would get so nervous that I would wildly grasp at anything to say and ended up being quite weird. In my journal, I wrote that I thought much of my conversation was the work of puppet masters. A legion of angels and devils acting out through me have both thrilled and embarrassed me. I'm much more myself online, but still, I think that all my thoughts are somehow the work of others. I feel quite peaceful with this. It helps the uneasy regrets that I have. I remember being surprised and out on a limb with much of what I had to say, sometimes needing a disclaimer. Some people think that they are their own mind, but I think I am not of my own mind. Schizophrenia makes that clear to me. Rash thoughts and statements are the work of young devils and agreeable ones are the work of angel/guardians. That's my impression. I don't think I will ever have my own thoughts, but I can choose and govern a bit, so as to improve my general impression. I have worked very hard to reason out with the meanest and unruliest of my voices and to an extent I have found relief. It's a bit like Thich Nhat Hanh's process of watering the compassionate seeds in my mind so that they are the ones to grow and flower. In the online chat page I visit, I caution young schizophrenics not to be fascinated by the horror of the voices. It can lead to really crazy thoughts and actions, sometimes dangerous situations and activities. Many young people there come in talking about demons and so forth and I think it is important to take charge of the onslaught and weed out what you can't live with. I was a bit lucky, I didn't get schizophrenia until I was 34 years old. I had a lot of life experience for reference. Most schizophrenics though, are in their teens and twenties, struggling to finish school and resolve the job conundrum when the illness strikes. They don't yet have independence and success under their belts. So to them sometimes these voices and visions can seem very special and important. I say it isn't so. To me, it's being highly disrespected by the universe to have the onslaught of voices and visions that characterize our illness. Instead of turning away from the world of 'normal' people, I think it is an important reference to be aware of. I know I am not normal, being schizophrenic, but I remember what it was like making normal life decisions and having normal happiness in my life and relationships. It is an anchor to my drifting consciousness. I work really hard in my online chat to be a good listener and an intelligent responder. Not impressive intelligence, as if in school or something like that, just a gentle, warmth. A pleasant and hopefully wise voice. I think it's my best so far. I would like to have more practice in real life, but my social life is a bit bare. I rarely see anyone. When I do, I'm still nervous, but I have developed honest answers to questions such as, 'what do you do?'. I just tell them I have schizophrenia and I am on disability and that I used to be a filmmaker. It feels better than fudging my resume. I think the truth does set one free. In that sense, I am not alone anymore, and my schizophrenia is shared knowledge among friends and acquaintances.
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