My camera arrived just a day after my last post and the above picture was my first assignment - a portrait of my Dad for his Facebook page. The arrival of the camera is exciting and I am going to enjoy working with it, but I keep having pangs of longing and guilt for my old system, the one I destroyed because of hearing voices. It was a beautiful system. This one is very good too, but it's just me giving it a try. It's my Toshiba Satellite laptop groaning under the weight of its new responsibilities. Secretly, I am a little proud of myself for getting this far on my own. I think my ex-husband would approve. That is, if he's not ready to throttle me for ruining the old system he put together. I am taking it all really slowly. This morning I did the laundry before I could play with my camera. I wanted to pace myself, so that I can remember what I am doing and learning and become useful with it. I have to completely dismantle the higgledy-piggledy organization of my desk and clear it off for the printer, something which I will start on tomorrow. This camera is making my life more complex. Until now I had no camera, everything was simple and I had plenty of time to think. Now I am busy with the camera and its set-up. It's like old times, when I was working with a camera all the time. I don't know how I feel about this. I am slow and nervous. I don't want to become overwhelmed again, because this camera has to be my last and I need it to endure. No temper fits because of voices or whatever reason, just slow and steady. It's like having a baby in the house, I notice the dust and I want to make everything fresh and new for the new arrival. So, I'm doing this. It's nice, it's not leading to anything important like putting bread on the table. It's just for pleasure and exploration. I downloaded Lightroom and Photoshop, the 30 day free trial and will have a little fun with that. But I miss my Wacom tablet and my two monitors and my scanners and all that loveliness. This has been a breathtakingly expensive illness. But for now, it's just one thing at a time.
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June 2017
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