Impatiens and Coleus, Downtown. I have been feeling unsettled for a couple of days now. It is because I am opening myself up to strangers on the internet, which normally I never do. I'm talking about the guys who try and friend me for leading to romance. I don't want to be rude to them and I do welcome new friends, but with one guy I just find myself trying to justify my living situation, which I don't want to change. He is slow to pick up on outright statements that I am not looking for romance, so I spell it out - schizophrenia. Still, he wants to see how it goes. I am just not cut out for internet dating, which is why I don't pursue it. I think it is really weird to be presented with a list of qualities sought, and a rundown of what he has to offer. It's so different to the way I am, like how I just fell in love with my husband at first sight - he was a friend of a friend. There was no "resume" to size up, no tango, just a really nice feeling from seeing his face, which was gentle and kind. I just have never been curious as to what kind of car people drive and I am not a fan of slow dancing romance. I like laughing all day long while we do ordinary things. That's what my marriage was like. It was really fun, not heavy at all. I know I'll never find that again, or at least I'm pretty sure, so I have come to a kind of peace about it. I remember it fondly and sometimes I smile to myself, and that's what I do. I can't help it if this internet guy drives a mercedes, I just don't fit that bill. It's really hard to have nothing left to show for a wonderful marriage and exciting career, but that's where I am. I have my memories, a 20 year old car, and a camera, and I don't want more. I think it would be really hard to have to think about this guy's needs. He asked "how do you treat your man?" I'm like not even from the same planet on that one. And it was after I had said twice that I was not looking for a partner. Maybe I've just been out of it for a while, but this guy is really making me feel uncomfortable. I kind of don't know what to expect when I log on. I was used to just a cup of tea, a cigarette, and my computer. Now I am presented with a full-on overture and it's kind of ruining the peace. I'll see how it goes. I just am feeling a little on the defensive, as if I and my idea of living out my days in this house with my brother and my memories is somehow daft, incomprehensible, needs revision. But left to experience my own day, it is really quite good what I had settled into. Sure I miss having someone to share with, that's definitely a part of my situation as I choose to live it. But I can't just latch on to some guy. That's not who I am. I left my husband because of my illness. Not because I wanted someone new. I am still adjusting and evolving in the cradle of that decision. I don't want to 'grow up too fast' by trying to make a life with someone just for the sake of not being alone. I like being alone, which is handy, since I am alone a lot. It gives me my thoughts to myself, lends itself to stability. I don't know why I decided to friend this guy. Maybe it's karma for unfriending my friend a couple of weeks ago, I don't know.
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