We just had a big, fat, rain. Huge raindrops, streets flooded, the whole works. It was lovely. I learned to appreciate rain living in London for ten years... There though, rain is more of a daily mist, fine for bike riding or hiking... I just bought an umbrella and am pleased to say it works. It is not the umbrella I wanted, long with a cane handle and black in color... It's black, but it is a Totes umbrella, the folding kind. I miss London, every time it rained the umbrella sellers would come out, selling the type of umbrella I like. You can hook it on your backpack for fine weather... There's something about a summer rain that is so refreshing and it takes me back years, which I appreciate because life since schizophrenia has been lacking in memory-making activities. I hate this because I was so happy when I was normal, I had so many plans and activities and someone I loved to share them with. Now life is cups of tea and cigarettes. At least for now, I am trying to quit cigarettes before I turn 50 in August. And I really should let the tea go too, it's a hangover from my years in London... The grocery store I shop in has recently added PG Tips, the brand of tea I bought in England. I am a big one for these small comforts, but I'm wanting change in my life. Maybe if I just keep drinking tea and smoking cigarettes something will happen, it could. It would be comfortable. But all wisdom says to make change yourself. This is hard for me on a very limited budget, with schizophrenia. I thought about volunteering, but decided that I am still not stable enough for that, plus, I am very limited on gasoline for the car... Had to turn down a volunteer job in the library and at a radio station because of the distance. I live in a mid-size town, with two universities and a community college, so it's pretty spread out. I just couldn't pay for the gas to volunteer, plus, I still have episodes every week. The episodes have become a bit more manageable with hard work and prayer. The voices and hallucinations are more friendly than mean, as they have been for 16 years, and I have mastered the art of sleeping them off. Which is nice, but takes a hefty chunk out of the daylight hours. I recently reunited with a friend from high school and he looked up schizophrenia online, which was nice of him, but like I had in the beginning, there was a panic. He asked intently, "what are you going to do?". I said I don't know, but really, if I face it, I am doing it. I smoke, drink tea, read, write a little and that's about it. I am waiting for a storm to pass, but it's not going anywhere. I'm in a permanent summer rain.
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June 2017
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