Fountain, Downtown. I like this little fountain, it freezes in the winter. I am doing fine so far on the Latuda. I haven't had an episode since August. This is good news. Episodes are disruptive and disturbing. I hope the peace lasts. The only bad thing happening is that for a week my sleep has been off. I am back to waking up early and needing naps. This I hate, it ruins the flow of the day. I thought it was the Haldol that made me do that, but since I am not on it anymore, it can't be that. I think it happened because I had to wake up early for a doctor's appointment a week ago. I have been off ever since. I am hoping I will settle back in to my regular pattern soon. It's annoying as it is because I wake up in the middle of the night, too, unable to sleep. I have decided this week that I will try and go to the gym anyway, in spite of the hated naps. I took last week off from the gym thinking if I just indulged my new sleep pattern, it would go away. No such luck. But I feel refreshed from the rest, so maybe my workouts will be a little livelier.
I have had a couple of would-be suitors on Facebook. They seem like nice guys, both widowers with sons, age 6, and both in the petroleum industry. I must be on a list or something. Both European. They are attractive and, if it were to work out, I would probably be quite happy. I like what they have to offer. But, when I get this kind of interest, I explain that I have schizophrenia and that I live with my brother who has schizophrenia, and that I am not looking for romance. I'm not. I have worked very hard to reach some stability and a part of that is the focus I have put on learning to live with my brother here, where we are safe and financially sound. I am, in a sense, married to this house and a future with my brother, who needs someone around as he has refused any medication. It's not what I would have planned, but I am very very glad to have a nice place to live - it's paid for, and all I have to do is stay relatively sane to keep it for as long as I live. It's not exciting, it's not the result of my own hard work and choices, it's a gift from my parents to both of us and I have accepted it. And there is also the story I don't offer, which is that medication has completely killed my sex drive. This doesn't upset me. I like being less complicated in that way. If someone had told me 17 years ago, when my schizophrenia started, that this would be my future, I would have been completely freaked out. But the disease has been relentless, gruelling, and I am glad to be at a place now where all I have to do is throw my food in the microwave and generally take care of myself. I was a very active, happy, sane person with a degree of success. But now, I feel good just to have made it another day without a trip to the hospital. There are days when I wish I was filming something interesting, and I think about setting up a vimeo account with my work on it, just in case I get some interest, and maybe some day when I have been doing well for a while, I will. But I will be living here, enjoying stability with my brother for as far as I can see. I buy one lottery ticket per draw, and I sometimes dream of using the money to move back to Los Angeles, with my brother, and live out my days with my camera. But I do have ties here, which I am loathe to break. I have a few local friends - I rarely see them, but maybe when they retire I can see them more. I have my doctors, who I depend on - I am in the "system" here. I know I can't live where my mom lives because I won't find the doctors I need there. I could find them in Los Angeles, but it wouldn't be the same as living a couple miles from my old school, and seeing all the people who work at McDonald's, where I buy my diet sodas every day. It's like, this place is home now. I woke up someplace good.
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