Krispy Kreme, downtown. I feel a bit like I have fallen off a cliff and am waiting to land since I finished the Haldol a couple of weeks ago. I don't feel as anchored. But I am not putting myself in harm's way, which I look out for. If you read my previous post you would know that I unfriended someone last week. I don't know why, but I just really feel I did the right thing. This person was a fellow schizophrenic, friendly, who enjoyed chatting kind of all day long. Not continuously, just drifting in and out. I enjoyed getting to know her, but I noticed more than once that she thought she was more intelligent than everyone she knows. I took it to be just youthful arrogance, even though she's forty-four. I kind of knew it would eventually be my turn for a slap in the face. Still, when it happened, it wasn't that it was particularly awful, it was just common and generally rude. I just instinctively felt it was the end. I had offered some good support in the past, for which she had thanked me. I could have gone on dealing with her sweeping generalizations and maudlin attitude toward loneliness, but I just thought I wanted to do something else with my day. I felt I had already been through enough - she doesn't like Jewish people or Indians, because they have cheated her she claims. I just do not ever think this way and trying to carefully open her mind up a little was a lot of hard work, not unlike clearing a mine field. I just stopped enjoying getting to know her. I felt she was treating me like a sounding board - "all men are selfish", poetry is more beautiful if you're in pain, all that - I just felt like a toy in her nursery. I felt like I was the audience. So anyway, I put an end to it, knowing that it would possibly hurt her feelings, but also to say that if you abuse, you lose. I wish her the best with her poetry and other projects. But I'm done.
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