Many schizophrenics have a hard time "coming out". The stigma around the illness is such that employers, friends and even family members can be excluded from the circle of truth... I have only just recently started to announce my schizophrenia and so far it has been alright, just one friend fell by the wayside. That is, one of the ones I have left after my initial breakdown 16 years ago. Many schizophrenics are very lonely, not just because of people shying away, but because the illness itself causes the person to withdraw from society, whether paranoid or undifferentiated. I just recently wrote a letter to my former father-in-law about having schizophrenia, hoping it will melt some of the frost. Not that I'll ever really know. Maybe he won't even read the letter. Both of my in-laws were pretty put out with me over the divorce and I was not in the right frame of mind to explain until recently. I don't know what I'm expecting, I will get no reply, it just makes me feel a little easier having lodged my point of view. I suffer from crushing loneliness. I was very close to my ex-husband when I fell ill. I was not diagnosed then, but I knew something was seriously and irreparably wrong... It was a terrible time and the memories of my marriage coming apart really stings. Now, after 16 years I cannot imagine having a partner again, my medication doesn't allow for it. I'm sedated and for that, heavy-lidded, and I just can't imagine being in love with another person. I guess I am still in love with my husband, but he is remarried now with two lovely daughters. I think I did the right thing, asking for a divorce, but it was gut wrenching. I was so in love and so terrified of my mental breakdown. I hope something good comes of my letter. It was a long time coming. It's a pity it didn't get there before his mother died, I think she would have understood. It's all a mess and I can find little to go on myself, though I am happy for my ex-husband. I really am. I know he loves his wife and children and is happy generally. It's devastating what schizophrenia does to a life, though with it I am not alone. I visit a chat page for schizophrenia and there, every evening, are new friends with similar problems and answers. Schizophrenics are very astute about medications, which I appreciate. I find, since opening up about schizophrenia, that I feel less depressed. I think it was the right thing to do. I don't have a job situation, so it's just friends and family that I am talking to. For me, coming clean about schizophrenia was about accepting myself and my situation as it is and is likely to become. It was a way of taking control of the situation and emptying the chambers. I hope that schizophrenia will be less all encompassing as I move on in life. I can hardly imagine it not dominating my day. But maybe someday... Maybe.
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