Market House, Downtown. I am slowly feeling better. I went to the Doctor's yesterday and he gave me a breathing treatment, which was fantastic, more medicine and an inhaler. I got out a bit today, it was warm, thankfully. I showered. I still don't feel like I can sleep in the bed as opposed to the chair I have been sleeping in all week, but I am improving. I don't wheeze today. It has been a sobering illness. I feel my age and I felt that I was glad to be on my own, not with a partner. It was messy, uncomfortable and a little scary. Not much even a caring partner could do to help, although I did call my mom to help me decide whether or not to go to the emergency room. I decided not to go. But I did call my Doctor on Monday and he said come in, so I did and here we are. I decided that I would be on my own, even if I had a partner, with this illness. Like schizophrenia, it's just a lonely journey being ill, loved ones just stand by, which is nice if you have that, but I am a bit proud and independent and would not like to be seen to be unable to cope. I can't help it, I'm just like that.
I have been so happy for my comfy chair and my comforter all week. I dug in. Really, I have had pneumonia and a collapsed lung before, but I was younger and this was much harder, way more uncomfortable. It was grim, actually. I felt that if I did not keep my wits about me I could actually die. I mean, pneumonia is nothing to fool about with. I am just in a kind of pause after the worst of it, as I check myself occasionally and notice that I am in fact alone. I still have my mother and father at the end of a phone line. But there was nothing either could do but just wait with me while the antibiotic took effect. In my experience, it was slow. Or maybe I'm just older and sicker. I noticed that I don't have all the accoutrements my mom had for illness as I was growing up - thermometer, heating pad, stuff like that. These things really make a difference. I am going to have to put a little money aside for my illness kit. I still think of myself as a bouncing happy 30 year old, but in fact I am quite aged now. The Latuda has stiffened my muscles quite a lot for example. Hell, I'm just now 51 and I am starting to have senior types of problems, I guess. I don't have a lot of plans, I see the future as low key, with some illnesses, then it's over. It's weird being this kind of sober. I look at people celebrating graduations and being grandparents and so on on Facebook, and it's like, yeah, well, I'm alone and that's it. It's not so bad if I just own it. Comparisons are just not really fair anyway. But yeah, schizophrenia is not what I planned for myself as a future and though wisdom would be nice, being philosophical is all I have.
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