I love the Italian paintings at the Museum of Art. I have been very thoughtful lately of children. I somehow have reached the age of 52 without having had any, but having lost one, and I thought about my divorce, and I realized that among the reasons I left was that I didn't feel that having more children than that lost one would be kind of acceptable. Like, I still think of that first one, the idea of that child is alive for me still, and so, as I started to embark on life on my own, I kind of carry the thought of him or her with me. Every year I think how old now, and I wonder whether they would have chosen school or the university of Life, things like that. It is nice to wonder, I mean, it is a kind of faith in the spirit of this child and I don't feel the loss so much as the presence. I don't think it's unhealthy or anything, it's just that I realised that if I had been able to have one or even two more, I might have found it hard to pay them the attention they deserve. I'm like this with all losses, they are marked on my heart and I kind of carry on with their imagined afterlife.
I mean, my life is very beautiful presently and I am also reminded today that my maternal grandmother, who died just before I left my husband in 1998, actually came to the house some years ago. I was trying to quit smoking and was having a kind of episode, these two distractions all morning. I decided to go into the garage to do some painting. A voice came from behind me, I had had the door to the garage open as it was Spring, and the voice said, "Would you like to take care of a baby?" I turned very quickly and was annoyed and alarmed and said, "No". And there she was, she was so real I could have hugged her. She looked some years younger than she did when she died, and she was wearing the clothes my Aunt had made for her, I remember them, a brown pantsuit. She had her same purse and shoes. She said nothing more and turned to walk down the driveway. I didn't stay to watch her go, I was preoccupied with my mental difficulties and upset that she had said "baby", but I think she meant herself, as a baby, as in reborn or at least alive and anew. It was some days before I was able to process the incident. I have hallucinations all the time and that was not what this was. For weeks I phoned area hotels and visited area assisted living spaces and residences for the aged wondering where she was, and how even was she travelling. And another kind of miracle thing or whatever you want to call it, a phenomenon, happened this summer. Years ago, I was in the way of trashing everything I owned. every single thing. And one day I threw away a Mini DV camera and the custom made cable that I used to download into my computer for editing. I was alone when i did this, and no one saw me and I didn't tell anyone. Well, this summer , my Dad decided to buy himself a car like mine, a new Patriot. He came over and he said I found this in the trunk of the car this morning, you can have it. It was the camera! It was dirty and sticky from the trash and the electronics didn't work, so I set it on the floor in the livingroom. A few days later, I tried the battery charger again and the light came on. It worked. I am just kind of dull witted about both of these incidents but really, I think that as much as I have criticised and complained and blamed God, or whatever, for my problems and visions and voices, that somehow, God is not letting go of me. It's really strange and it makes me happy these events, but I'm like, what would happen if I actually believe? I don't know. But even when I don't, things like this happen and I think, really, life is just so interesting and so beautiful and I don't feel as if I have been dropped or thrown in the bin. I don't know. It has been a very difficult year in terms of mental disturbances, but this Autumn has been kind of miraculous for me as well. Someone who had totally dropped me and had moved on and was totally not speaking to me, contacted me and we have been corresponding via the internet for a month and he has totally rehabilitated my mind and my focus, which is now on health and progress, you could call it transformative, I just kind of buckle under pressure of anything that reminds me of transformation, because I have spend too much time studying the occult and I just want to keep my mind on the island. But yes, transformation. I have never been happier in my life and I'm feeling great and losing weight and I'm thinking properly and I'm learning French again. I just really never expected to hear from this person again and I always hold him in such high regard. He was a pivotal person in my life and things he said and did had affected my thinking and decisions deeply. So I'm very surprised and very happy and excited. I don't know who the author of my life is, I thought I was acting alone in life. This morning I finally conceded that in some way perhaps I am as an actor. I actually said actor. I mean I have felt I was at the mercy of some gods for many years now, which is typically schizophrenic, but I'm kind of finally settling down about it and maybe now I expect to have a good day every day because I am thinking and acting proactively and I'm not saying to myself all day the word schizophrenia, which I had been doing for many years as a kind of saning exercise. To make myself accept reality. But really it feels like reality is accepting me after many years of mental torture. I don't want to know why things happened the way they did, unless I already know or suspect and I accept it. I think of my Buddhist readings and it is that one learns to withstand the waves, and that losing balance is more normal than maintaining balance, as in, everything changes. I don't know. Just saying. It's all really beautiful and I'm very happy. And if I were listening to myself with my younger mind, I would dismiss it all as fantasy or illusion. But really, I am having no choice but to believe my experiences and i have to say, it's much nicer than having to believe my voices and visions. Yay!
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