Lamp, daylight. I have been trying to read a book about photography this week. It's slow going, and I often have to read a sentence two or three times, but I'm getting it. This effort is a long time coming. I bought the book last year, for a start. But more than that, I have wanted to be a photographer since I was 8 years old and though I have even made a living with photography, I can't say I know exactly what I'm doing. So I'm finally getting there. They say it's never too late, but for this I say it's about bloody time. Hopefully I will actually come to understand my camera this summer. I have a portrait idea I would like to try and I want to know what I'm doing. I'm nervous. I haven't ever tried to take pictures of people I don't know - the public. But our corner gas station has a store and the people are all so interesting, I thought I would start trying to document the place and the people. Wish me luck.
I'm still struggling with voices, but they died down a lot starting yesterday. One of the voices/visions is of a photographer friend I know, and he is even able to explain things in words and terms I can't come up with myself. It's really nice and makes me wonder about the abilities of the brain to formulate new people with ideas and a language and vocabulary all their own, a relevant language, a real one, with accurate meaning. Far more expressive than I am in every way. I mean, I do allow that it is all entirely my brain, but I can't understand why my brain has invented new characters with knowledge I really need. I don't know what to do other than mention it to my therapist. As this photographer friend is mostly friendly and nice to me, I find myself missing him now that he's quieter. All this I need to get some perspective on. I don't want it to get out of hand, become a full fledged delusion. I'm a little nervous about it. I don't even quite know what to google to find out more. But I googled regaining conscious mind after a nervous breakdown and found a little information, not much. I believe I have had a small breakdown this winter/spring, and that is why since January I have had only about two and half weeks voices-free. I'll keep pursuing it, I mean, it's distracting and debilitating these episodes and I want to walk free. With this voice character I mentioned, I have been looking back decades to try and figure out why my brain chose him. I'm still not sure. And because of all this reflection and hallucinatory conversation I have been sleeping a lot during the day because of missing sleep at night and I have smoked too much and I'm generally just a little depressed. I kind of love this character I'm talking to, but I have to take back my mind. It's difficult and I'm nervous. My schizophrenia has mutated over the years from highly super critical and punishing to more civilised and even friendly and lovely. I like to think this is because I have been patient and have had the time and the privacy to talk my voices down, reason with them, defend myself and be heard. I don't know. I mean, I could use a real analyst, but I can't find one where I live. Of course, it would have to be such a huge level of trust that relationship anyway. I mean, I won't entertain that I have penis envy or something like this. I'm perfectly happy being a girl lol. But it would be interesting to know why my brain has adopted this character to share my knowledge with, instead of just giving me what I want as and to myself alone. I would like to know.
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