I wrote quite a nice post last week but it was lost in translation. I didn't have the energy to try and write it again. I guess I should write in Word first then copy and paste, but that is not as fun for me as writing off the cuff here, for some reason. I was saying that I was wondering to a friend in Jerusalem about the preponderance of stories in the Bible in which a person heard voices or saw visions. He tipped me to the book by Julian Jaynes, 'The Origin of Consciousness in the Breakdown of the Bicameral Mind'. According to what I can gather, Jaynes believes that early man was largely schizophrenic, relying on voices and visions rather than conscious thought. He thinks a series of catastrophes brought consciousness to the human race. I ordered it from Amazon for about 4 dollars. It seems like an interesting read. I have had quite a week, I am now on 60mgs of Latuda and also my regular 4mgs of Haldol. At first I was like an animal at the vet's, completely afraid of all the drugs. But as the week progressed the Latuda kicked in and I began to have more thoughts at once, a happier mood and less of an appetite. I have though, had a problem with stiff muscles, for which I do not want another drug. I'm going to try and work with it if I can. I have made one solitary trip to the gym, two days ago and I had quite a good workout - sweaty and invigorating. I want to keep this up if I can. I have taken the weekend off to allow for sore muscles and general moodiness. Ideally I would go Monday to Friday, with the weekends off. We'll see how it goes. I also have bought some things to cook, I'm trying to resuscitate that side of me. I hope it doesn't go to waste. It's just that this Latuda is quite a jolt compared to the Haldol and I am not used to so much mental activity after six years on Haldol. I notice that it was easy to maintain calm with Haldol - with not much going on and no-one to see I felt a bit of a success with my Buddhist reading. But as might be predicted this surge of energy from Latuda has meant that I have a lot more conscious work to do, in order to keep up my studies with Pema Chodron. I have started a daily correspondence with a friend in Vancouver and we are quite different - she is conservative and I am liberal. I don't really have a lot of mental muscle right now with all the drugs and so on, but I'm always on my toes about my attitude toward this new friend. I don't want to do what I would have done when I was young and 'normal', that is to simply gravitate elsewhere. I don't have that luxury anymore. And it's good practice for me to try and keep the ball in the air with my right leaning friend. It's part of why I like Pema Chodron so much. Schizophrenia is the kind of thunderbolt that can engender 'enlightenment', which I am not really reaching for. I just want to clear my mind and have peace with my friends and family. I want to learn to live with schizophrenia in such a way that it is no longer my enemy, but my friend. I don't know what my future holds at all, but I feel better with the dharma talks Chodron gives in her books. I have said it before, I am not a Buddhist. That is still true. I am just a schizophrenic trying to organize my thoughts.
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