Brandt Lane. I haven't had enough time to think since Sunday's post. The voices are quieter, nearly gone. I'm getting less sleep. But somehow that is working out ok, the lack of sleep. I just wait until I think I can sleep and then get an hour or more if I'm lucky. At least I'm not losing sleep because of voices, it's just thoughts really.
My books arrived and I ordered one more. I got Psychotherapy Without the Self by Mark Epstein, and one other of his books. When they arrived I was like, not more books, for a minute. But I set them aside and then it was ok. I've kind of been online and just picking up threads while hearing voices and I haven't over ordered, but I'm going to have enough reading, that's for sure. It's so lucky I can read. Last year I could barely pay attention for a paragraph. I bought this book looking for some other angle on psychoanalysis, as the Freudians drive me mad, they are kind of offensive. But I try to give it time. Anyway I like the title... ok I just opened it and it has a quote from John Cage, "The great Buddhist scholar D.T. Suzuki came to Columbia to teach [in 1951] and I went for two years to his classes. From Suzuki's teaching I began to understand that a sober and quiet mind is one in which the ego does not obstruct the fluency of things that come in through our senses and up through our dreams. Our business in living is to become fluent with the life we are living, and art can help this." Does not obstruct the fluency of things I thought was beautiful. Anyway the internet is looking really beautiful to me these days and I have to kind of pull back. I'm working quite hard on my issues and I don't have much time for anything else. It's kind of a mess, but I'm just trying to find words. In therapy yesterday I was trying to answer the question what have you been doing since I last saw you and I was just at a loss as to where to begin. Trying to explain. I don't really know what I have been doing. I'm just constantly searching really. It's that.
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