"Live less out of habit and more out of intent". I joined a gym. I am doing yoga a couple of times a day. I'm going to change from cinnamon melts to smoothies with fresh fruit in them. I don't know. Life just got really beautiful and i just want to rise to the occasion.
My body has responded really well to the exercise so far. I am glad that I had switched medication from Haldol to Latuda, so that I could enjoy a range of movement and flexibility that is out of the question with Haldol. Latuda is not any good with positive symptoms of schizophrenia, hallucinations, voices, that, but I'm doing quite well with simply a change in attitude and reframing my view on life generally. My life before was impossibly timid. I just really was, as far back as I can remember, always full of some unrealised idea or some reservoir of emotion that was never emptied. It was like, really hard to actually feel anything emotionally when with other people because I was always wondering when i could go home and think about things other than what I was dealing with, which was people. I just you know have spent the past 18 years virtually on my own and I did think about everything finally and I just want to live and be involved now, in the sense that I am fully expressing myself and by some grace of God I am welcome to do so. I cannot believe it but earlier I thought you know, blaine, start believing it. It really is the only way forward the only answer. If I don't do this, I will be absolutely bound to a worst sort of failure. I just think you know, that if I move forward with belief that things are really what they are and further that life is worth living, I well i just really feel that after so many years of reflection that life is unfolding another beautiful option and that I won't have to just measure out my life in coffee spoons. I really really love someone and he has so far accepted this. I am just everything at once and entirely as such released from my reticence and my self imposed exile. It is just the best surprise. My therapist has said to me more than once that the best is yet to come and I was so convinced that the best was been and gone and it wasn't even that great lol. But really it is the best best and I am really happy about it.
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