Farmer's Market. It was a long ten hour drive, but we made here to Mom's, last night. We had to turn around about an hour into the trip because Mom had left her purse behind in my brother's and my house.
I have been feeling off for over a week now, and I'm struggling a bit. I feel edgy, impatient, and generally down. I know from experience that new meds tend to be really great at first, but then the illness fights back. I think that's happening with Latuda. I don't quite know how to deal with it. I don't want more meds, so I might just give it more time before I report it to my doctor, who I see the week of my return home - soon, in other words. It took me a long time to get to grips with Haldol, but it didn't make me edgy ever, it made me calm. At the moment I am easily irritated by other people and this is not normal for me. I'm not angry, I'm just kind of simmering. I pretty much hate it and hope it clears up soon. We visited my Aunt today, and I was hardly able to enjoy it. I just wanted to leave really soon. I don't have a headache, but I feel a bit on fire, it's hard to describe, I just feel grim, somehow. I am also on edge because my ex-husband phoned unexpectedly back in March, I wasn't home. He hasn't called since. I wrote him an email, which I rarely do, with some things I wanted to say - we haven't talked since the divorce, 17 years ago. Everything I wrote was nice, complimentary. I explained about the schizophrenia. I have had no response - no acknowledgement that he even received the message. It's just really hard to relax about it. Maybe I shouldn't have written, I don't know. I would just like to feel that I am understood. I have only started telling people quite recently that I even have schizophrenia. It's a nerve-wracking thing sometimes, you never know how people react. But I'm kind of angry about it, I mean, he's had a perfectly wonderful time since we split up, which I initiated because of my schizophrenia which was just really horrid. It was my first full psychosis and I had a complete nervous breakdown. While he has been clubbing in New York, making a splash in his industry, getting married, having children, I have just been through absolute hell. I am as cheerful as I can be about it, but i guess I hate being left hanging. I actually think it's pretty rude, quite selfish of him not to reply or call again. I keep making excuses for him, like, maybe he doesn't know what to say, or maybe his wife doesn't approve. Then I think, maybe he's trying to "train" me not to call him, even though he can call me. I don't know. I just have been really kicked around by this horrible disease and would like a kind word. I am just tired of having to consider his life as more delicate or sensitive or too too wonderful somehow than mine. I bowed out of our marriage because I have schizophrenia. I don't think a "thank you" is out of order, from either him or his wife. I didn't have to do that - I could have clung on, quoting 'in sickness and in health', til death do we part. I didn't even consider doing that. I thought of his happiness and future. I really gave. It's like, it takes nothing to write "hi, got your email. Will call again soon'. Or something like that. He surely knows I am just kind of like waiting to hear from him sometime since he called. What am I supposed to be waiting for?
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