Leaves starting to turn. It has started being chilly all day now, not just in the mornings. I am slowly accepting the change. It was a wonderful summer and I just didn't want to let go. I am always thoughtful this time of year because October is the month I met my, now, ex-husband. I remember the thrill of our romance every year. We fell in love quickly and it was sweet and fun. By the following March, we had moved to England and shortly after that were engaged. "Met and married within the year" my husband used to say. It was heaven on earth, and I still miss him, but I am happy that he's happy now. For those of you who don't know, I divorced him because of my schizophrenia. It was fast and horrible and though I didn't know what it was at the time, I knew it was serious and permanent. I didn't want to hold him back. We were getting ready to have children, which suddenly seemed impossible and, actually, with all the drugs I have been on for schizophrenia, it would also have been dangerous. There are schizophrenics, with children, who have blogs on the internet and I always think that is special. Maybe it's not the death sentence I took it to be at the time. I just know my struggle with the disease has been kind of epic, with 11 hospitalisations and endless false starts at going back to school or holding a job.
Actually, if it were to happen, I could probably do quite well at directing music video again if it was slow and not so steady a proposition. I just was so sick when I went to school for nonlinear editing that I can't remember a thing, and budgets now are often too small to hire an editor, as I used to do. But lately I just fancy picking up a camera and doing something like that. I have shot my own video before and loved it. I just have no record of it, all the copies of my film are lost, trashed during episodes. It's unfortunate. I would like to put up a page of my work on the internet, but I am missing that key film and I also would have to do a lot of work to track down my other work. I don't think I would be bombarded with offers, but it would be nice to see if something came of it. All of which is to say that I must be feeling better. That my switch to Latuda has mostly been a success. I am going to visit my mom next weekend for two weeks. I am a little nervous. I don't do so well away from my own home, even if it is family I'll be visiting. I tend to have more episodes and smoke more and long to be back in my own bed. I have quite a lot of preparation for this trip to do, too. Mom will be picking me up here so she'll stay overnight, which means a major cleanup on my part. Also, I don't really have enough clothes to last more than a week, so there's that to consider. And finally, I will be flying back home. I haven't had a flight since 2001, several months before 9/11. So I am a little nervous about all that. I used to take international flights all the time - Europe, Japan - it was fantastic. But now I am quite apprehensive about this little flight. At least I found it for a good price. I am lucky that my town has a little airport that I can fly into for cheap. I am actually looking forward to this trip too, but it's mixed with apprehension. I always take each trip to my mom's as if it might be my last. I certainly don't see myself taking any more flights any time soon. It's all new. We'll see how it goes. Happy Fall everyone!
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