Flags, Downtown. I am feeling a bit more back in the saddle. I have explained to my online suitor that I am not available for romance, and he seemed to get it a bit more, even though he still wants to 'see how it goes.' I said that I am not available to anyone, but I welcome online friends. It was just weird because there are people I have known for years who don't know that I have schizophrenia, family members even, and to talk about it with someone I don't know, who doesn't seem to have my best interests in mind, is unsettling. And I also think, here is a father with a great job, fancy car, owns his home and he's totally nuts! I, for one, am not even able to get a job at Walmart or Target or a bookstore, and I tried, and I am more sane than he is. It's not that I undervalue myself, I applied for photography jobs and newspaper jobs around here for eight years, both arenas in which I have had considerable success. In eight years of scouring for jobs every single day, all day, I had four interviews, during which I was hallucinating, and no offers. I went to university, got a merit scholarship, graduated with honors, I have lived in London, where I worked for a national newspaper, I won an MTV award, and it's really hard to find interest if you are not in a city and can really go for it. At Vocational Rehabilitation, they told me my resume was not competitive because I didn't have any certificates. So to hell with my Bachelor's degree I guess. Sometimes I think it's my age, and then I am also aware of years of absence from any work because of schizophrenia. There is just not a friendly, understanding situation here, where I can say I just would like a job for a couple of days a week because I have schizophrenia. My resumé or application form was always one of at least two hundred others. I haven't been looking for work for three years, since I got my Disability, to which I finally gave in. It's just that compared to this nutcase who has been writing to me I am more stable, have better conduct and show more comprehension. It just makes me wonder how I went from being happily married, earning $200,000 a year, having lots of in real life friends, to what I have now. I am not unhappy, but I think of Spinal Tap - "too MUCH fucking perspective".
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