The trees by the post office where i mail my letters and packages were pruned earlier this year. I think it was in the month of March. Things are settling down at the moment. I have had some sleep. I have been redirected. This I'm fine about. I just trust as much as I possibly may. Fine. I don't trust. ...I'm looking forward to Fall, some people call it Autumn. Anyway, the season after summer. It has been a nice summer weather wise, a bit too hot sometimes, I'm sensitive to heat now that I'm older. I remember living here as a child, I guess since I was 12 until I was 17. I loved the heat of summer. It was great for my happiness if I could just sit outside on the steps and absorb the heat and humidity and just watch the end of the day. I feel abused in terms of the way people try to get me to express an emotion, especially with my face and body. I cannot survive this scrutiny. I know how to live. I feel abused financially. Because people think I'm unhealthy or too, do I have to say it? Large. That I shouldn't keep to my Friday shopping day, when I buy my food for the week, with enough left over for colas and chocolate, just to get out of the house and see people and interact, I love to do this. Have a nice day, all that that comes with frequenting local businesses and shops and restaurants. All of this is exercise to me. I'm not able to describe my feelings, other than I don't want to keep living with the idea that the abuse is the deal. Sunlight on Dogwood tree, 2016. I haven't painted in a long time now, it's not that I have to wait for the other paintings to dry either.
Yes, it has been a difficult few days since I last wrote in. I have been under a lot of pressure. Since my ex-husband and I went our different ways, I have been able over the years to think and to consider and to generally somehow keep going. I didn't leave him for anyone else. It is just one of those things. I haven't been reading anything. I kind of ran out of things to read, which is fine, I mean, it's all been so sarcastic, the way I have been treated in life, and so I just kind of keep going. It's so unforgivable the way I have been handled. Hopefully I can paint some more paintings at some point, idk. I just feel that every time I have a good report, or a moment to reflect on that I am stalked somehow. I don't understand it. That is kind of where I am right now. I'm glad to be able to write at all today. Spring, 2016. It has been a horrifying week. I just don't want to describe it. It is that bad. Voices, visions, hallucinations. Tactile ones. I don't know when it will end, if ever. I have wanted to blow my brains out with a gun just for relief, but it isn't relief, it's just more hell to pay.
I knew when I was young that it would have been fine if I had never been born. I keep going. Anyway, I haven't been able to paint. I have had to complain and order off these intruders all day and all night. I did get some sleep, My camera has had pictures stolen from it, and my printer is not printing properly. Every time I try to do something, it's overruled. I'm talking about being able to look at my own photographs whenever i want, because I expect them to be there, on my card in my camera. I'm sickened that they have interfered with my equipment. I'm so tired of being complimented with theft and vandalism. |
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June 2017
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